I saw the movie "The Ugly Truth" yesterday and it got me thinking about the ugly truths I've learned about life, love and the battle of the sexes...
Ugly Truth #1 -- Women really are crazy! We can be petty, vicious, manipulative, and just plain scary sometimes. All women are at least acutely aware of the power we hold over men and yes, we do use it to get what we want. We stalk guys, we are famously known for our attacks against other females and we hold grudges like no other. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...thou hast no ideath!
Ugly Truth #2 -- Guys like the crazy no matter what they say! The crazier a girl is, the more of a hold she has over him. Whether this is some kind of masochistic-induced fetish, I'm not sure but, I bet the book, Why Men Love Bitches, could shed some light.
Ugly Truth #3 -- If a woman has not had sex for a long period of time, it's her own fault! Women can get laid, plain and simple! Guys are like un-neutered dogs--they will hump just about anything. If you're a woman and you're in a "drought" it's because you are too picky...in which case, kudos to you but it's your own damn fault!
Ugly Truth #4 -- Your college education is only buying you a better paid form of slavery! Like the age-old saying goes, they don't call it a job for nothing! You may be able to continue your social life with reckless abandon for a little while but, eventually, all fires burn out. Welcome to the real world!
Ugly Truth #5 -- Text messages have all but killed any chance of a story-book romance! Ever get the 2am, "What r u up to?" text? That's not love honey, that's a booty call! Where are the love letters? Where are the grand gestures and declarations of love. They've been replaced by messages we type into our phone, messages we are too lazy to even write in full. They've been replaced by "wanna meet up l8r?," "how u doin?" and the occasional "ilu" texts. Damn technology!
Ugly Truth #6 -- Men really do get better looking with age while women get worse looking! Wrinkles on a man mean experience, charm, and wisdom...wrinkles on a woman mean the old bag's been around the block and has got some severe wear and tear. It's a cruel world we live in!
Ugly Truth #7 -- When you reach a certain age, you really can't eat and drink whatever you want without gaining weight! Does the term "beer belly" mean anything to you? You know, it's that ginormous winter coat of fat keeping your abs warm...and hibernating all year round! Note of advice: Don't begin a love affair with food (and alcohol) unless you're prepared to endure a lifetime of relationship therapy with the gym!
Ugly Truth #8 -- All is fair in love and war! You've heard it many times...I'm saying it's 110% true! In war, we do what is necessary to survive. Well, love is a battlefield so man your station and prepare for bloodshed. It's about to get ugly...
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
It may only be Monday but I've got some WTF in me!
Well, it's been about a month since my last post so I guess I should apologize for the hiatus but between my birthday, the beginning of summer, and my trip to Barcelona, I was feeling overwhelmed by happy thoughts and lacking inspiration, particularly in the WTF department. But, in the famous words of psycho Chucky doll, "I'm baaack!" Let the WTF's commence...
1. 72-year old woman trying to get pregnant -- WTF! She keeps trying and she keeps failing. Reason--she's a wrinkly old hag! There's a reason you're not producing any eggs lady!!! You should have thought about having babies when you were young enough to still chase after them without a walker! Why don't you just go ask Octo-Mom if you can borrow some of her kids until you kick the bucket which, by my watch, should be any day now.
2. Same named couple to wed -- WTF! Girl (Kelly Hildebrandt) finds boy (Kelly Hildebrandt) on Facebook. Girl and boy start talking/dating. Girl and boy get engaged. Sounds like an ill-plotted love story for dumb people if you ask me! First of all, I have very strong issues about Facebook as a dating source (read my Valentine's Day "Unlove Story" for details). Second, what girl in their right mind would marry a guy named Kelly?! Girl with guy's name = cute...guy with girl's name = lame and seriously immasculating! I give this marriage 6 months before Kelly (girl) gets bored and seeks out another Kelly Hildebrandt on Facebook. I can see the headline now: Kelly Hildenbrant (girl) divorces Kelly Hildenbrandt (boy) for lesbian lover Kelly Hildenbrandt (girl--sort of).
3. Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson again -- WTF! My WTF is not to the actual fact that they broke up because, let's face it, there's only so much chickeny tuna a dude can put up with. Rather, it's his plan of action in the matter that merits this WTF. He did it right before her birthday--c'mon Tony, it's been done! At least have the decency to come up with an original d-bag way to dump the broad. You could have had a sky-writer write the words, "Yo bitch, we're done!" or put a message up on the jumbotron at the Dallas Cowboys opening game saying, "It's been fun but I need to get my game back or I'll get fired!" You could even have sent her a break-up card from my wonderful collection of greeting cards, "Hate Cards by Liz!" (and yes, these cards do exist). For shame Tony Romo!
4. Working on Mondays -- WTF! What could be worse? How about having to get to work at 8am on a Monday!!! Seriously, who came up with this 5 day work week? The weekday to weekend ratio is completely screwed up! Should anybody wish to support my bid for President of the United States, I would abolish this blasphemous rule and impose a 3 day weekend every week effective immediately upon my inauguration!
1. 72-year old woman trying to get pregnant -- WTF! She keeps trying and she keeps failing. Reason--she's a wrinkly old hag! There's a reason you're not producing any eggs lady!!! You should have thought about having babies when you were young enough to still chase after them without a walker! Why don't you just go ask Octo-Mom if you can borrow some of her kids until you kick the bucket which, by my watch, should be any day now.
2. Same named couple to wed -- WTF! Girl (Kelly Hildebrandt) finds boy (Kelly Hildebrandt) on Facebook. Girl and boy start talking/dating. Girl and boy get engaged. Sounds like an ill-plotted love story for dumb people if you ask me! First of all, I have very strong issues about Facebook as a dating source (read my Valentine's Day "Unlove Story" for details). Second, what girl in their right mind would marry a guy named Kelly?! Girl with guy's name = cute...guy with girl's name = lame and seriously immasculating! I give this marriage 6 months before Kelly (girl) gets bored and seeks out another Kelly Hildebrandt on Facebook. I can see the headline now: Kelly Hildenbrant (girl) divorces Kelly Hildenbrandt (boy) for lesbian lover Kelly Hildenbrandt (girl--sort of).
3. Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson again -- WTF! My WTF is not to the actual fact that they broke up because, let's face it, there's only so much chickeny tuna a dude can put up with. Rather, it's his plan of action in the matter that merits this WTF. He did it right before her birthday--c'mon Tony, it's been done! At least have the decency to come up with an original d-bag way to dump the broad. You could have had a sky-writer write the words, "Yo bitch, we're done!" or put a message up on the jumbotron at the Dallas Cowboys opening game saying, "It's been fun but I need to get my game back or I'll get fired!" You could even have sent her a break-up card from my wonderful collection of greeting cards, "Hate Cards by Liz!" (and yes, these cards do exist). For shame Tony Romo!
4. Working on Mondays -- WTF! What could be worse? How about having to get to work at 8am on a Monday!!! Seriously, who came up with this 5 day work week? The weekday to weekend ratio is completely screwed up! Should anybody wish to support my bid for President of the United States, I would abolish this blasphemous rule and impose a 3 day weekend every week effective immediately upon my inauguration!
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