Reason to hate the subway #1: people singing out loud
Is it not bad enough that we are often subjected to hearing other people's music through their headphones? Is it really necessary for people to start singing or rapping along to the words?
Today, this guy was rapping to some garbage song with the repeated lyrics, "Shorty put it in." My first problem is with the song itself. Shorty put it in? Why don't you put it in you lazy ass SOB! Then there's the problem of the guy singing out loud for everyone to hear. Dude, don't mistake our $2.25 subway fare for admission to your concert. You're not going to get discovered while annoying people on their A.M. commute so just give it a rest Kanye!
This being mass transit in New York City, it's not the first time something like this has happened but it never seems to piss me off any less. I just don't get whether these people are oblivious to the fact that they're being rude or whether they actually get off on knowing they're irritating everyone around them. I'm guessing the latter.
I wonder, in such an instance as this morning, if you could plead temporary insanity for stapling someone's mouth shut...
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Tiger Should be Spayed!
Oh Tiger, couldn't keep your paws to yourself could you...
So, I was in the subway this morning, trying to read a fellow rider's paper over their shoulder, as per usual, when I saw the headline, "Celebrities Cheat Because They Can." Wonder how many brain neurons it took the writer to come up with that psychosis! Umm, hello, anyone can cheat and they don't need to be famous to do it!
Celebrities cheat because they have some false sense of entitlement--like the world owes them something for being in the public eye so they just go about doing whatever the fuck they want, thinking that there should be no repurcussions. But, the truth is, when a person cheats on their spouse, there will be people who think this person is supreme scum. The same goes for celebrities only that there will be probably be more people that are of the scum opinion because everybody in the Intercontinental U.S. knows about the indiscretion (or indiscretions as the case may be and usually is).
So now Tiger is saying that this is a private matter between him and his family but, seriously, you're famous and you should know that when you become famous, you need to check your privacy at the door! Or, here's a thought, don't do something stupid like cheat on your wife! There's a reason why the lyrics to Single Ladies says "if you liked it then you should have put on a ring on it." It's singular, meaning one! You can only have one or else the line would be, "if you liked them then you should have put a ring on them."
And to the "other woman" or "other man"--nobody likes a homewrecker so stop the whoring around!
So, I was in the subway this morning, trying to read a fellow rider's paper over their shoulder, as per usual, when I saw the headline, "Celebrities Cheat Because They Can." Wonder how many brain neurons it took the writer to come up with that psychosis! Umm, hello, anyone can cheat and they don't need to be famous to do it!
Celebrities cheat because they have some false sense of entitlement--like the world owes them something for being in the public eye so they just go about doing whatever the fuck they want, thinking that there should be no repurcussions. But, the truth is, when a person cheats on their spouse, there will be people who think this person is supreme scum. The same goes for celebrities only that there will be probably be more people that are of the scum opinion because everybody in the Intercontinental U.S. knows about the indiscretion (or indiscretions as the case may be and usually is).
So now Tiger is saying that this is a private matter between him and his family but, seriously, you're famous and you should know that when you become famous, you need to check your privacy at the door! Or, here's a thought, don't do something stupid like cheat on your wife! There's a reason why the lyrics to Single Ladies says "if you liked it then you should have put on a ring on it." It's singular, meaning one! You can only have one or else the line would be, "if you liked them then you should have put a ring on them."
And to the "other woman" or "other man"--nobody likes a homewrecker so stop the whoring around!
Friday, August 14, 2009
G.I. WHOA MAMA!!!!
I just discovered this video of Hottie McHottie Channing Tatum dancing at a male revue for Chippendale's and all I gotta say is hummina hummina!
I knew the boy could dance but, damn, he is really steppin it up here, isn't he? MmM mMm break me off a piece of that! He can be the star of my liquid dream any day...
Ok, I'd really like to write more but I'm salivating all over my desk. Sweet dreams ladies!
I knew the boy could dance but, damn, he is really steppin it up here, isn't he? MmM mMm break me off a piece of that! He can be the star of my liquid dream any day...
Ok, I'd really like to write more but I'm salivating all over my desk. Sweet dreams ladies!
Monday, July 27, 2009
The Ugly Truth
I saw the movie "The Ugly Truth" yesterday and it got me thinking about the ugly truths I've learned about life, love and the battle of the sexes...
Ugly Truth #1 -- Women really are crazy! We can be petty, vicious, manipulative, and just plain scary sometimes. All women are at least acutely aware of the power we hold over men and yes, we do use it to get what we want. We stalk guys, we are famously known for our attacks against other females and we hold grudges like no other. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...thou hast no ideath!
Ugly Truth #2 -- Guys like the crazy no matter what they say! The crazier a girl is, the more of a hold she has over him. Whether this is some kind of masochistic-induced fetish, I'm not sure but, I bet the book, Why Men Love Bitches, could shed some light.
Ugly Truth #3 -- If a woman has not had sex for a long period of time, it's her own fault! Women can get laid, plain and simple! Guys are like un-neutered dogs--they will hump just about anything. If you're a woman and you're in a "drought" it's because you are too picky...in which case, kudos to you but it's your own damn fault!
Ugly Truth #4 -- Your college education is only buying you a better paid form of slavery! Like the age-old saying goes, they don't call it a job for nothing! You may be able to continue your social life with reckless abandon for a little while but, eventually, all fires burn out. Welcome to the real world!
Ugly Truth #5 -- Text messages have all but killed any chance of a story-book romance! Ever get the 2am, "What r u up to?" text? That's not love honey, that's a booty call! Where are the love letters? Where are the grand gestures and declarations of love. They've been replaced by messages we type into our phone, messages we are too lazy to even write in full. They've been replaced by "wanna meet up l8r?," "how u doin?" and the occasional "ilu" texts. Damn technology!
Ugly Truth #6 -- Men really do get better looking with age while women get worse looking! Wrinkles on a man mean experience, charm, and wisdom...wrinkles on a woman mean the old bag's been around the block and has got some severe wear and tear. It's a cruel world we live in!
Ugly Truth #7 -- When you reach a certain age, you really can't eat and drink whatever you want without gaining weight! Does the term "beer belly" mean anything to you? You know, it's that ginormous winter coat of fat keeping your abs warm...and hibernating all year round! Note of advice: Don't begin a love affair with food (and alcohol) unless you're prepared to endure a lifetime of relationship therapy with the gym!
Ugly Truth #8 -- All is fair in love and war! You've heard it many times...I'm saying it's 110% true! In war, we do what is necessary to survive. Well, love is a battlefield so man your station and prepare for bloodshed. It's about to get ugly...
Ugly Truth #1 -- Women really are crazy! We can be petty, vicious, manipulative, and just plain scary sometimes. All women are at least acutely aware of the power we hold over men and yes, we do use it to get what we want. We stalk guys, we are famously known for our attacks against other females and we hold grudges like no other. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...thou hast no ideath!
Ugly Truth #2 -- Guys like the crazy no matter what they say! The crazier a girl is, the more of a hold she has over him. Whether this is some kind of masochistic-induced fetish, I'm not sure but, I bet the book, Why Men Love Bitches, could shed some light.
Ugly Truth #3 -- If a woman has not had sex for a long period of time, it's her own fault! Women can get laid, plain and simple! Guys are like un-neutered dogs--they will hump just about anything. If you're a woman and you're in a "drought" it's because you are too picky...in which case, kudos to you but it's your own damn fault!
Ugly Truth #4 -- Your college education is only buying you a better paid form of slavery! Like the age-old saying goes, they don't call it a job for nothing! You may be able to continue your social life with reckless abandon for a little while but, eventually, all fires burn out. Welcome to the real world!
Ugly Truth #5 -- Text messages have all but killed any chance of a story-book romance! Ever get the 2am, "What r u up to?" text? That's not love honey, that's a booty call! Where are the love letters? Where are the grand gestures and declarations of love. They've been replaced by messages we type into our phone, messages we are too lazy to even write in full. They've been replaced by "wanna meet up l8r?," "how u doin?" and the occasional "ilu" texts. Damn technology!
Ugly Truth #6 -- Men really do get better looking with age while women get worse looking! Wrinkles on a man mean experience, charm, and wisdom...wrinkles on a woman mean the old bag's been around the block and has got some severe wear and tear. It's a cruel world we live in!
Ugly Truth #7 -- When you reach a certain age, you really can't eat and drink whatever you want without gaining weight! Does the term "beer belly" mean anything to you? You know, it's that ginormous winter coat of fat keeping your abs warm...and hibernating all year round! Note of advice: Don't begin a love affair with food (and alcohol) unless you're prepared to endure a lifetime of relationship therapy with the gym!
Ugly Truth #8 -- All is fair in love and war! You've heard it many times...I'm saying it's 110% true! In war, we do what is necessary to survive. Well, love is a battlefield so man your station and prepare for bloodshed. It's about to get ugly...
Friday, July 17, 2009
It may only be Monday but I've got some WTF in me!
Well, it's been about a month since my last post so I guess I should apologize for the hiatus but between my birthday, the beginning of summer, and my trip to Barcelona, I was feeling overwhelmed by happy thoughts and lacking inspiration, particularly in the WTF department. But, in the famous words of psycho Chucky doll, "I'm baaack!" Let the WTF's commence...
1. 72-year old woman trying to get pregnant -- WTF! She keeps trying and she keeps failing. Reason--she's a wrinkly old hag! There's a reason you're not producing any eggs lady!!! You should have thought about having babies when you were young enough to still chase after them without a walker! Why don't you just go ask Octo-Mom if you can borrow some of her kids until you kick the bucket which, by my watch, should be any day now.
2. Same named couple to wed -- WTF! Girl (Kelly Hildebrandt) finds boy (Kelly Hildebrandt) on Facebook. Girl and boy start talking/dating. Girl and boy get engaged. Sounds like an ill-plotted love story for dumb people if you ask me! First of all, I have very strong issues about Facebook as a dating source (read my Valentine's Day "Unlove Story" for details). Second, what girl in their right mind would marry a guy named Kelly?! Girl with guy's name = cute...guy with girl's name = lame and seriously immasculating! I give this marriage 6 months before Kelly (girl) gets bored and seeks out another Kelly Hildebrandt on Facebook. I can see the headline now: Kelly Hildenbrant (girl) divorces Kelly Hildenbrandt (boy) for lesbian lover Kelly Hildenbrandt (girl--sort of).
3. Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson again -- WTF! My WTF is not to the actual fact that they broke up because, let's face it, there's only so much chickeny tuna a dude can put up with. Rather, it's his plan of action in the matter that merits this WTF. He did it right before her birthday--c'mon Tony, it's been done! At least have the decency to come up with an original d-bag way to dump the broad. You could have had a sky-writer write the words, "Yo bitch, we're done!" or put a message up on the jumbotron at the Dallas Cowboys opening game saying, "It's been fun but I need to get my game back or I'll get fired!" You could even have sent her a break-up card from my wonderful collection of greeting cards, "Hate Cards by Liz!" (and yes, these cards do exist). For shame Tony Romo!
4. Working on Mondays -- WTF! What could be worse? How about having to get to work at 8am on a Monday!!! Seriously, who came up with this 5 day work week? The weekday to weekend ratio is completely screwed up! Should anybody wish to support my bid for President of the United States, I would abolish this blasphemous rule and impose a 3 day weekend every week effective immediately upon my inauguration!
1. 72-year old woman trying to get pregnant -- WTF! She keeps trying and she keeps failing. Reason--she's a wrinkly old hag! There's a reason you're not producing any eggs lady!!! You should have thought about having babies when you were young enough to still chase after them without a walker! Why don't you just go ask Octo-Mom if you can borrow some of her kids until you kick the bucket which, by my watch, should be any day now.
2. Same named couple to wed -- WTF! Girl (Kelly Hildebrandt) finds boy (Kelly Hildebrandt) on Facebook. Girl and boy start talking/dating. Girl and boy get engaged. Sounds like an ill-plotted love story for dumb people if you ask me! First of all, I have very strong issues about Facebook as a dating source (read my Valentine's Day "Unlove Story" for details). Second, what girl in their right mind would marry a guy named Kelly?! Girl with guy's name = cute...guy with girl's name = lame and seriously immasculating! I give this marriage 6 months before Kelly (girl) gets bored and seeks out another Kelly Hildebrandt on Facebook. I can see the headline now: Kelly Hildenbrant (girl) divorces Kelly Hildenbrandt (boy) for lesbian lover Kelly Hildenbrandt (girl--sort of).
3. Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson again -- WTF! My WTF is not to the actual fact that they broke up because, let's face it, there's only so much chickeny tuna a dude can put up with. Rather, it's his plan of action in the matter that merits this WTF. He did it right before her birthday--c'mon Tony, it's been done! At least have the decency to come up with an original d-bag way to dump the broad. You could have had a sky-writer write the words, "Yo bitch, we're done!" or put a message up on the jumbotron at the Dallas Cowboys opening game saying, "It's been fun but I need to get my game back or I'll get fired!" You could even have sent her a break-up card from my wonderful collection of greeting cards, "Hate Cards by Liz!" (and yes, these cards do exist). For shame Tony Romo!
4. Working on Mondays -- WTF! What could be worse? How about having to get to work at 8am on a Monday!!! Seriously, who came up with this 5 day work week? The weekday to weekend ratio is completely screwed up! Should anybody wish to support my bid for President of the United States, I would abolish this blasphemous rule and impose a 3 day weekend every week effective immediately upon my inauguration!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Get Your Castanets Ready...
The week after one's birthday is supposed to be a recovery period, a time to sleep and detox. But, as fate would have it, the week after my birthday has always brought a celebration of such epic proportions that it consumes a whole weekend and an entire city in good ole Dirty Jerz--alas, it is the Portuguese Feast in Newark! And though one of our most famed people, Christiano Ronaldo, was recently spotted "canoodling" with Paris Hilton, confirming the fact that there really is no accounting for taste, it is still a damn good time to be Portuguese!
Here's what you can expect this weekend (100% based on things that have actually happened in the past):
Now, doesn't that sound like the best damn time EVER! I thought so!! So, whether you're actually Portuguese or just pretending to be (which is completely understandable cause we're so awesome), come to Newark this weekend, enjoy a bucket--or 5--and party it up hardcore. Remember--what happens at the Portuguese feast STAYS at the Portuguese feast!
Viva Portugal! Boa noite e boa sorte!
Here's what you can expect this weekend (100% based on things that have actually happened in the past):
- Girls dancing on tables
- Crazy drunk men dancing on tables
- People drinking off the tables
- Impossibly large buckets of sangria for personal consumption (available in red, white, and now, blue)
- Men inappropriately touching women, much to their dissatisfaction
- Women inappropriately touching men, much to their complete satisfaction
- People suffocating in other people's hair as they walk down the ridiculously crowded Ferry Street
- Scandalous run-ins with the EX
- Some of the best damn bbq chicken you will ever get your hands and mouth on
- An array of mediocre Portuguese bands (trust me, you'll be too drunk to realize the mediocrity)
- Random fights and the occasional stabbing (I swear it's safe though!)
- Running from the cops with aforementioned sangria buckets trying to suck out every last drop before being kicked off the premises
- Your friend leaving you to walk home with a random gay stranger who looks like Sanjaya from American Idol who ends up sleeping at your house and scaring the be-jesus out of your parents in the morning!
Viva Portugal! Boa noite e boa sorte!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
A Birthday Story
Twenty-five years ago today, an extremely drunk stork dropped in to bless the Borges clan with a beautiful baby girl…a miracle if you will. Ok, honestly speaking, she was the hairiest little monkey baby you’ll ever see, but, cute nonetheless. Anywayyyy—though her parents thought to bestow this girl with horrific names like Stephanie and Filomena, they opted for something different. A name fit for a queen.
And she was a queen alright—a drama queen!
At the age of four, the little girl found herself betrothed to a Catholic School boy, a boy she thought repulsive and unworthy of her love. Rebelling against this “arranged marriage,” she vowed to kick boys in the shins, use them only for her own personal agenda and never EVER commit for as long as she lived...or until Patrick Swayze ‘dirty danced’ into her heart!
The years passed and the girl grew. Oh boy did she grow—the girl could not put down a bag of chips to save her life—but she was happy! A charming girl she was: funny, smart, sweet, talented, and modest of course! A girly girl on the outside and a tom boy at heart, she had many friends, girls and boys alike.
Still more years went by and the little girl had grown into a young woman. Going to school, spending time with her friends and family, and driving around in her carriage, The Lil Pimper, she was living the good life. Though her commitment phobia grew along with her as she kept her pre-school promise, she did not shy away from the boys. In fact, she loved boys and the boys looooved her!
The girl often found herself in all sorts of trouble—underage drinking, speeding, failing to yield to an emergency vehicle, to name a few. Wild child as she was, she gave her parents quite a bit of grief at times but they still gave her everything she could ever want…except a Ferrari that is.
Oh how the time has flown! After what seemed like a lifetime of education, the girl, now a woman, graduated college and was sentenced to an actual lifetime of slavery to “The Man.” Living in her Quincy Palace, she still lives a rather charmed life or, at least, a drunk one. The girl still holds onto a semblance of her childhood theory against commitment but, after kissing many, MANY frogs, feels that she may one day be ready for her Prince…definitely not any day soon of course!
Twenty-five years old and she stills feels as young as ever. She’s looking pretty damn hot too! Always a girl at heart, she looks forward to the next 25 years and every adventure—or misadventure as the case may be—that life has to offer.
The End.
P.S. That story was abo
ut me in case you hadn't guessed! :)
And she was a queen alright—a drama queen!
At the age of four, the little girl found herself betrothed to a Catholic School boy, a boy she thought repulsive and unworthy of her love. Rebelling against this “arranged marriage,” she vowed to kick boys in the shins, use them only for her own personal agenda and never EVER commit for as long as she lived...or until Patrick Swayze ‘dirty danced’ into her heart!
The years passed and the girl grew. Oh boy did she grow—the girl could not put down a bag of chips to save her life—but she was happy! A charming girl she was: funny, smart, sweet, talented, and modest of course! A girly girl on the outside and a tom boy at heart, she had many friends, girls and boys alike.
Still more years went by and the little girl had grown into a young woman. Going to school, spending time with her friends and family, and driving around in her carriage, The Lil Pimper, she was living the good life. Though her commitment phobia grew along with her as she kept her pre-school promise, she did not shy away from the boys. In fact, she loved boys and the boys looooved her!
The girl often found herself in all sorts of trouble—underage drinking, speeding, failing to yield to an emergency vehicle, to name a few. Wild child as she was, she gave her parents quite a bit of grief at times but they still gave her everything she could ever want…except a Ferrari that is.
Oh how the time has flown! After what seemed like a lifetime of education, the girl, now a woman, graduated college and was sentenced to an actual lifetime of slavery to “The Man.” Living in her Quincy Palace, she still lives a rather charmed life or, at least, a drunk one. The girl still holds onto a semblance of her childhood theory against commitment but, after kissing many, MANY frogs, feels that she may one day be ready for her Prince…definitely not any day soon of course!
Twenty-five years old and she stills feels as young as ever. She’s looking pretty damn hot too! Always a girl at heart, she looks forward to the next 25 years and every adventure—or misadventure as the case may be—that life has to offer.
The End.
P.S. That story was abo
ut me in case you hadn't guessed! :)Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
1. Shawn Johnson wins Dancing with the Stars -- WTF! It's no secret that I am in love (or serious lust) with that hunk of French goodness, Gilles Marini, so you can imagine how pissed I am that he didn't win. Sure, Shawn is cute (in that teenage chipmunk looking way) but her booty--I mean 'derriere'--shaking skills were nowhere close to Gilles'; it's like comparing Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance to Elaine from Seinfeld!!! I guess I should just be happy that stupid Bachelor reject Melissa "glitter up my tramp stamp" Rycroft didn't win. Unless they announced that she was the winner and then took it back the next day on live television...cause that would be pretty damn hilarious!
2. GPS Satellites could break down by 2010 -- WTF! Are you telling me that my dear wonderful "Charles" may not be able to accurately guide my direction-impaired ass around the country next year? I mean, I know that I don't always listen to him...and I don't always pay attention to him at all but STILL. If they don't get these GPS satellites updated asap, there is going to be a lot of angry, lost people out there and I'm one of them. How else will I get myself out of trouble after unsuccessfully trying to create a new shortcut? Or when I'm so busy talking that I completely miss an exit? Or when I'm too busy singing/dancing in the car that I, again, completely miss an exit? Don't leave me Charles!!!
3. Jessica Biel thinks being pretty is a problem -- WTF! Boo f@%#in' hoo!!! You're hot, you have money and a sexy boyfriend who is this generation's Michael Jackson without the strange little boy obsession. To quote one of my favorite movies, Wedding Crashers, "Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems. Jackass." Well said Vince Vaughn!
4. Woman beat up over asparagus -- WTF! Apparently the buyer thought the asparagus was very over-priced. Hey, dude, I understand your affliction...I can't tell you how badly I wanted to punch the fruit guy outside my office when he told me the price for a banana went up to 50 cents! But, alas, cooler heads prevailed and I parted ways with my two beautiful, shiny quarters. Next time, you just tell that asparagus nazi to take her pricey smelly-pee-inducing vegetable and shove it...then proceed on your merry way!
5. NYC men and their foot fetishes -- WTF! Last summer, I had a man come up to me at Columbus Circle asking me if he could take pictures of my feet. Now, just a few days ago, I'm walking to the post office and this hotel doorman shouts, "Wow cute toes!" as I'm passing by him. Gross gross gross!!! This is just not normal conversation for complete strangers! Would you just go up to a random stranger and tell them that you like to be handcuffed and gagged? I don't think so (I truly hope not anyway). Same principle. Ok then, let this be a lesson to all the men out there that feet should not be brought into a conversation for a good while. Want to compliment a girl, why don't you start off with something simple like her eyes or smile. Foot obsessions come much later!
2. GPS Satellites could break down by 2010 -- WTF! Are you telling me that my dear wonderful "Charles" may not be able to accurately guide my direction-impaired ass around the country next year? I mean, I know that I don't always listen to him...and I don't always pay attention to him at all but STILL. If they don't get these GPS satellites updated asap, there is going to be a lot of angry, lost people out there and I'm one of them. How else will I get myself out of trouble after unsuccessfully trying to create a new shortcut? Or when I'm so busy talking that I completely miss an exit? Or when I'm too busy singing/dancing in the car that I, again, completely miss an exit? Don't leave me Charles!!!
3. Jessica Biel thinks being pretty is a problem -- WTF! Boo f@%#in' hoo!!! You're hot, you have money and a sexy boyfriend who is this generation's Michael Jackson without the strange little boy obsession. To quote one of my favorite movies, Wedding Crashers, "Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems. Jackass." Well said Vince Vaughn!
4. Woman beat up over asparagus -- WTF! Apparently the buyer thought the asparagus was very over-priced. Hey, dude, I understand your affliction...I can't tell you how badly I wanted to punch the fruit guy outside my office when he told me the price for a banana went up to 50 cents! But, alas, cooler heads prevailed and I parted ways with my two beautiful, shiny quarters. Next time, you just tell that asparagus nazi to take her pricey smelly-pee-inducing vegetable and shove it...then proceed on your merry way!
5. NYC men and their foot fetishes -- WTF! Last summer, I had a man come up to me at Columbus Circle asking me if he could take pictures of my feet. Now, just a few days ago, I'm walking to the post office and this hotel doorman shouts, "Wow cute toes!" as I'm passing by him. Gross gross gross!!! This is just not normal conversation for complete strangers! Would you just go up to a random stranger and tell them that you like to be handcuffed and gagged? I don't think so (I truly hope not anyway). Same principle. Ok then, let this be a lesson to all the men out there that feet should not be brought into a conversation for a good while. Want to compliment a girl, why don't you start off with something simple like her eyes or smile. Foot obsessions come much later!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
It's Thirsty Thursday everyone so congratulations for making it through most of the work week without poking your eyes out--and I'm assuming that none of you actually tried to do that! Anywayyy, on to the WTF's...
1. Cliffhangers -- WTF! Isn't it bad enough that our favorite shows take us down tumultuous paths of hook-ups, break-ups, death scares, pregnancy scares, etc.? Do we really have to be left with three months of uncertainty about our beloved characters? Will Izzie die (the Grey's finale hasn't even aired yet but I'm already anticipating a long summer of pondering that one)? Will those crazy kids, Booth and Brennan, ever admit their love for one another? And will those "Lost" people ever be found?! I can't take it, the suspense is killing me...
2. Jon cheats on Kate; Kate cheats on Jon -- WTF! Jon and Kate who? No, seriously! Why do we even care about these people. They're not ridiculously pretty or heinously un-pretty...they're just average Joe's. So why do we care? That's just not our style. Speaking of style, what's with that woman Kate's 'Posh' haircut. She does not have the attitude or silicone enhancements to support such a 'do. Ohh and one more thing--having 8 children does not make you good television...it makes you Octo-parents!
3. Higher excise tax on alcohol -- WTF! Nooooo don't do it! I would like to continue to ride out the recession in a drunken oblivion with no regard for consequence please! God, the government's such a buzz kill!
4. Not having enough blog time -- WTF! As you've probably noticed, I've been slacking hardcore on my blog entries and the reason for this is simple...work is riding my ass and I barely have enough time to collect a thought let alone write about it. How dare people give me assignments that distract me from what's really important! Damn the man for cutting in on my blog time! DAMN. THE. MAN.
On that note, I'm signing off on this post because The Man's got me down again...talk to ya next week! Hopefully!
1. Cliffhangers -- WTF! Isn't it bad enough that our favorite shows take us down tumultuous paths of hook-ups, break-ups, death scares, pregnancy scares, etc.? Do we really have to be left with three months of uncertainty about our beloved characters? Will Izzie die (the Grey's finale hasn't even aired yet but I'm already anticipating a long summer of pondering that one)? Will those crazy kids, Booth and Brennan, ever admit their love for one another? And will those "Lost" people ever be found?! I can't take it, the suspense is killing me...
2. Jon cheats on Kate; Kate cheats on Jon -- WTF! Jon and Kate who? No, seriously! Why do we even care about these people. They're not ridiculously pretty or heinously un-pretty...they're just average Joe's. So why do we care? That's just not our style. Speaking of style, what's with that woman Kate's 'Posh' haircut. She does not have the attitude or silicone enhancements to support such a 'do. Ohh and one more thing--having 8 children does not make you good television...it makes you Octo-parents!
3. Higher excise tax on alcohol -- WTF! Nooooo don't do it! I would like to continue to ride out the recession in a drunken oblivion with no regard for consequence please! God, the government's such a buzz kill!
4. Not having enough blog time -- WTF! As you've probably noticed, I've been slacking hardcore on my blog entries and the reason for this is simple...work is riding my ass and I barely have enough time to collect a thought let alone write about it. How dare people give me assignments that distract me from what's really important! Damn the man for cutting in on my blog time! DAMN. THE. MAN.
On that note, I'm signing off on this post because The Man's got me down again...talk to ya next week! Hopefully!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Seriously???
Here's a list of things that had/have me scratching my head thinking, "Seriously?!"
1. Yankees choke in all 3 games against the Red Sox. Seriously?
2. Baseball players stealing home. Seriously? (very much related to #1 BTW)
3. Rangers and Devils both blow it in the first round of playoffs. Seriously?
4. Britney Spears may be pregnant again. Seriously?
5. Miss California Organization paid for Carrie Prejean's breast implants. Seriously?
6. Octo-Mom: The Musical. Seriously?
7. Swine flu. Seriously?
8. People complain about there not being any pretzels in the office but can't walk their asses across the street to get more. Seriously?
9. My work building may or may not be on fire right now. Seriously?
10. Speaking of work--we actually have to work on Cinco de Mayo. Seriously?
I think I'm done but if you have any to add, please feel free to do so in the comments section.
P.S. The persistent guy from last week's mid-week WTF's did NOT get the hint! Seriously?!!
1. Yankees choke in all 3 games against the Red Sox. Seriously?
2. Baseball players stealing home. Seriously? (very much related to #1 BTW)
3. Rangers and Devils both blow it in the first round of playoffs. Seriously?
4. Britney Spears may be pregnant again. Seriously?
5. Miss California Organization paid for Carrie Prejean's breast implants. Seriously?
6. Octo-Mom: The Musical. Seriously?
7. Swine flu. Seriously?
8. People complain about there not being any pretzels in the office but can't walk their asses across the street to get more. Seriously?
9. My work building may or may not be on fire right now. Seriously?
10. Speaking of work--we actually have to work on Cinco de Mayo. Seriously?
I think I'm done but if you have any to add, please feel free to do so in the comments section.
P.S. The persistent guy from last week's mid-week WTF's did NOT get the hint! Seriously?!!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
1. Woman on Britain's Got Talent -- WTF! This particular WTF doesn't go out to the woman herself but to the overall reaction that people have had to her singing abilities. "Susan Boyle Shocks World" is one of many news headings I've come across...are you kidding? Someone playing one of Mozart's Symphonies with their toes--now that is shocking! Are people that lame and vein that they believe that only "pretty" people can sing? Have these people ever seen an opera...not like those ladies are cast for their good looks. And by the by, a guy I know that was very involved in theater once told me that "fat chicks can usually sing good." Non-male ass translation: Looks don't have anything to do with talent. Don't believe me? Just look at Paris Hilton.
2. Spencer Pratt wants to be Governor of California -- WTF! Umm seriously?! Just because Schwarzenegger did it, doesn't mean you can Spence! At least Arnold had some good movies and real fame to his name when he ran for office...what do you have? A D-list, fake D-cup wifey who has no brains and no talent (see above for correlation between beauty and talent) and one directing credit to your name (which was said talentless wifey's god-awful music video for an equally bad song). Stick to what you're good at Spence which is, umm, well, I guess nothing!
3. Kim Kardashian "tweets" about her sunburn -- WTF! She wanted to know what she should do about the burn...really? Grow a brain for one! I can't tell if people like this are just trying to get attention or are just genuinely that stupid but, either way, it's annoying. Stop being a dumbass, wear sunscreen, and if you do happen to do something like this again, have the common sense to go into hiding for a few days instead of publicizing your stupidity for everyone to see.
4. Guys thinking girls are "broken" for wanting to be single -- WTF!!!! I recently encountered this guy who was relentlessly trying to touch me and kiss me and get me to agree to go on a date with him. Well, I had no desire to do anything of the sort with him but wanted to be nice about it so I told him that I would rather just be friends and I wasn't really into the whole dating thing right now (which is true in his case). He proceeded with this: "I get it, you're broken. Some guy must have done a real number on you." WHAAAAAAAT! Why is it that when a guy is single it's because he's a big pimp that can't be held down but when a girl is single it's because some dude "broke" her. And why can't guys recognize a brush-off when it's smacking them in the face...I thought the "friends" bit was known all over the world as rejection line numero uno! Well, after all was said and done, I had to go the straight up, "Dude, I don't want to kiss you or go on a date with you...ever!" route (I think he finally got the hint--or maybe not--only time will tell as I will be seeing him this weekend at a party).
The lesson here: Don't try to be nice when rejecting a guy because it might come back to bite you on your "broken" ass.
2. Spencer Pratt wants to be Governor of California -- WTF! Umm seriously?! Just because Schwarzenegger did it, doesn't mean you can Spence! At least Arnold had some good movies and real fame to his name when he ran for office...what do you have? A D-list, fake D-cup wifey who has no brains and no talent (see above for correlation between beauty and talent) and one directing credit to your name (which was said talentless wifey's god-awful music video for an equally bad song). Stick to what you're good at Spence which is, umm, well, I guess nothing!
3. Kim Kardashian "tweets" about her sunburn -- WTF! She wanted to know what she should do about the burn...really? Grow a brain for one! I can't tell if people like this are just trying to get attention or are just genuinely that stupid but, either way, it's annoying. Stop being a dumbass, wear sunscreen, and if you do happen to do something like this again, have the common sense to go into hiding for a few days instead of publicizing your stupidity for everyone to see.
4. Guys thinking girls are "broken" for wanting to be single -- WTF!!!! I recently encountered this guy who was relentlessly trying to touch me and kiss me and get me to agree to go on a date with him. Well, I had no desire to do anything of the sort with him but wanted to be nice about it so I told him that I would rather just be friends and I wasn't really into the whole dating thing right now (which is true in his case). He proceeded with this: "I get it, you're broken. Some guy must have done a real number on you." WHAAAAAAAT! Why is it that when a guy is single it's because he's a big pimp that can't be held down but when a girl is single it's because some dude "broke" her. And why can't guys recognize a brush-off when it's smacking them in the face...I thought the "friends" bit was known all over the world as rejection line numero uno! Well, after all was said and done, I had to go the straight up, "Dude, I don't want to kiss you or go on a date with you...ever!" route (I think he finally got the hint--or maybe not--only time will tell as I will be seeing him this weekend at a party).
The lesson here: Don't try to be nice when rejecting a guy because it might come back to bite you on your "broken" ass.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
1. Fortune Cookies -- WTF! I know this one was on my list a few weeks ago but they have reached a whole new level of suck. Today's fortune: You are a happy man. WHAAAAT! First I'm a lesbian and now I'm a man?!! This is ludicrous and I'm officially at war with the Chinese! I can tell you this though...if I was a man, I definitely would be happy because I'd be a beer-drinking, sports crazed maniac with a sailor's mouth, pimping myself all over the place...oh wait, that's me now...maybe I am a man!
2. Chris Brown pleads 'not guilty' to assaulting Rihanna -- WTF! Deny, deny, deny. This seems to be an oath that all guys take when they hit puberty because, even when they're caught red handed, they still deny it. I blame Shaggy for this nonsense...we don't believe you when you say, "it wasn't me" so just man up and admit that you're an ass!
3. Ticket prices at the new Yankee and Mets stadiums -- WTF! Maybe I've been sniffing too many Sharpie markers lately but I could have sworn we were in a recession. Yet, ticket prices for our beloved NY baseball teams have sky-rocketed and I, for one, can't afford any seat that's not in the bleacher section (which no longer sells alcohol so that's definitely not an option lol). But, I guess through good economic times and bad, we will stick by our teams. They can take away our jobs and our homes but they cannot take away our freedom...to buy $4 hot dogs and $8 beers!
4. Syracuse Orange -- WTF! I just don't get it...orange what? Orange itself cannot be a mascot because it's a color and colors do not possess any animate qualities. They used to be the Orangemen (and Orangewomen)...why can't they go back to that? At least it made some sense. Or maybe they can be the OrangeS because their mascot looks like an orange and probably is designed to be one anyway. There is a world of possibilities here but my personal vote goes to the Orange-Headed Yogurt Slingers.
5. Working on Good Friday -- WTF! I don't really think this one needs any explanation so I'll just say that it really bites!
I'm going to leave you with my man Gilles' smoldering hot Paso Doble from this week's DWTS:
If my body gets any hotter, someone's going to need to call the NY fire dept. to come put me out. God, he is delicious...this Easter, skip the Peeps and get me one of him please!!!
2. Chris Brown pleads 'not guilty' to assaulting Rihanna -- WTF! Deny, deny, deny. This seems to be an oath that all guys take when they hit puberty because, even when they're caught red handed, they still deny it. I blame Shaggy for this nonsense...we don't believe you when you say, "it wasn't me" so just man up and admit that you're an ass!
3. Ticket prices at the new Yankee and Mets stadiums -- WTF! Maybe I've been sniffing too many Sharpie markers lately but I could have sworn we were in a recession. Yet, ticket prices for our beloved NY baseball teams have sky-rocketed and I, for one, can't afford any seat that's not in the bleacher section (which no longer sells alcohol so that's definitely not an option lol). But, I guess through good economic times and bad, we will stick by our teams. They can take away our jobs and our homes but they cannot take away our freedom...to buy $4 hot dogs and $8 beers!
4. Syracuse Orange -- WTF! I just don't get it...orange what? Orange itself cannot be a mascot because it's a color and colors do not possess any animate qualities. They used to be the Orangemen (and Orangewomen)...why can't they go back to that? At least it made some sense. Or maybe they can be the OrangeS because their mascot looks like an orange and probably is designed to be one anyway. There is a world of possibilities here but my personal vote goes to the Orange-Headed Yogurt Slingers.
5. Working on Good Friday -- WTF! I don't really think this one needs any explanation so I'll just say that it really bites!
I'm going to leave you with my man Gilles' smoldering hot Paso Doble from this week's DWTS:
If my body gets any hotter, someone's going to need to call the NY fire dept. to come put me out. God, he is delicious...this Easter, skip the Peeps and get me one of him please!!!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Me vs. Urban Dictionary
In case you're unaware, urbandictionary.com is a website in which anyone can post definitions for slang terms or basically anything your little heart desires. This morning, my friend told me to go check out the definition for "Kearny girl" so I did and this is what I found:
Kearny
A little harsh if you ask me but I suppose it's all in good fun. After realizing that there was no definition for "Kearny boy," I decided to have some fun of my own and submitted my own definition which I think was pretty damn funny (and painfully true):
Kearny Boy
Guess what--my definition was rejected! This is hypocrisy at its finest people!!!!
Well, Liz Borges does NOT go down without a fight! I sent those bastard editors an email explaining that I'm exercising my right to the First Amendment and either my definition is allowed up on the site or the other one comes down cause this double-standard is just unacceptable!
Urban Dictionary just opened up Pandora's box of psycho bitchosity (yes I just made that word up right now but I like it) and they are going down!
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn" -- Amen Mr. Shakespeare!
Kearny
a
guy- "hey hoe wuts
A little harsh if you ask me but I suppose it's all in good fun. After realizing that there was no definition for "Kearny boy," I decided to have some fun of my own and submitted my own definition which I think was pretty damn funny (and painfully true):
Kearny Boy
A
Girl: Let's go back to
Kearny
Guess what--my definition was rejected! This is hypocrisy at its finest people!!!!
Well, Liz Borges does NOT go down without a fight! I sent those bastard editors an email explaining that I'm exercising my right to the First Amendment and either my definition is allowed up on the site or the other one comes down cause this double-standard is just unacceptable!
Urban Dictionary just opened up Pandora's box of psycho bitchosity (yes I just made that word up right now but I like it) and they are going down!
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn" -- Amen Mr. Shakespeare!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
St. Patty's 2009 is officially over...and good riddance! As hot as I look in green, I was about to go into a leprechaun and Guinness induced coma so it's probably best that the festivities have come to an end. But don't put your party hat away just yet because today is the beginning of March Madness! Gotta love a bunch of hot, sweaty guys "Duke"ing it out to be the #1 college basketball team in the country...God Bless America! Ok, on to the mid-week WTF's...
1. Woman attacks ex-fiance with cat -- WTF! Yes, a cat. And apples, a laptop, and apparently anything else she could get her psychotic hands on. Now, I know that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned but, DAMN, leave the poor little kitty out of it! I've said it once and I'll say it again...bitches be crazy! I seriously commend this guy on his lack of retaliation because, if I was him, I would have knocked her the f*ck out. Nobody messes with my cat and gets away with it!
2. A-Rod kissing himself in Details Magazine -- WTF! Seriously A-Rod, what do you have to be proud of? Your failed marriage? Your constant infidelity that led to said failed marriage? Maybe it's the steroid use? Or your inability to perform during the playoffs? But still you remain an arrogant, rich little piss-ant who chooses to kiss himself in the mirror for the whole world to see and, no doubt, ridicule you for the rest of your life! I get that you still love yourself despite everything (that's just how guys are despite all their flaws). But, can you please 'love yourself' in the privacy of your own home like every other self-obsessed man I know?!!
3. My cousin told her friend that I was 25 -- WTF! First of all, I'm 24 and 3/4 thank you very much! Second of all, her friend thought I was still in school so obviously he thought i was like 21-22 and that little biatch (you know who you are) was so quick to throw the old lady (me) under the bus! Oh the youth of America! Revenge is sweet though my little cousin ::insert witch cackle here::
Ok that's it for this week. Sit back and bask in the fun that is the NCAA tournament and, take my advice, do NOT drink any apple martinis while watching any games you have money on :)
1. Woman attacks ex-fiance with cat -- WTF! Yes, a cat. And apples, a laptop, and apparently anything else she could get her psychotic hands on. Now, I know that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned but, DAMN, leave the poor little kitty out of it! I've said it once and I'll say it again...bitches be crazy! I seriously commend this guy on his lack of retaliation because, if I was him, I would have knocked her the f*ck out. Nobody messes with my cat and gets away with it!
2. A-Rod kissing himself in Details Magazine -- WTF! Seriously A-Rod, what do you have to be proud of? Your failed marriage? Your constant infidelity that led to said failed marriage? Maybe it's the steroid use? Or your inability to perform during the playoffs? But still you remain an arrogant, rich little piss-ant who chooses to kiss himself in the mirror for the whole world to see and, no doubt, ridicule you for the rest of your life! I get that you still love yourself despite everything (that's just how guys are despite all their flaws). But, can you please 'love yourself' in the privacy of your own home like every other self-obsessed man I know?!!
3. My cousin told her friend that I was 25 -- WTF! First of all, I'm 24 and 3/4 thank you very much! Second of all, her friend thought I was still in school so obviously he thought i was like 21-22 and that little biatch (you know who you are) was so quick to throw the old lady (me) under the bus! Oh the youth of America! Revenge is sweet though my little cousin ::insert witch cackle here::
Ok that's it for this week. Sit back and bask in the fun that is the NCAA tournament and, take my advice, do NOT drink any apple martinis while watching any games you have money on :)
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Happy Hump Day!
In lieu of my mid-week WTF's this week, I'm going to share some random thoughts that I'm having on this miserable, rainy Wednesday:
There's a new hottie in town...
And his name is Gilles Marini! You may remember him (or at least his 'man parts') from the Sex and the City movie but he's made quite a first impression on Dancing with the Stars, which kicked off its new season on Monday. His cha-cha was muy caliente and his body is just sexy as hell. Check it out (the dance starts around the 1 minute mark)
Ay caramba! Can someone get me a fan?!
Interns rock!
Being able to pawn all your crap work off on someone else is the single best anti-depressant out there! I currently have two so it's double the pleasure, double the fun for me. And, if that wasn't cool enough, one of my interns is from Australia and her accent provides me much entertainment...she's constantly saying insanely amusing things like "brelli" instead of umbrella and "zet" instead of the letter "z". It's a shame I don't like coffee to send my interns out to go fetch for me...maybe I can send them out for my daily fix of salt and vinegar chips instead haha.
My mother used one of my favorite t-shirts as a rag -- WTF!
What? Did you really think I could go a whole week without adding at least one of these in? I couldn't believe it when I walked into the kitchen and there it was, lying on the floor of the back porch with some heinous kitchen appliance on top of it. Naturally, I threw a bit of a hissy fit at my mother for this negligent behavior and told her that I wanted it back. We argued for a few minutes--she said that the shirt is ugly and I said that if that was the basis, then we could use a bunch of her clothes for rags (I was semi-kidding). Eventually, I won the battle and Mom actually laughed a little as she threw it in the wash. I imagine she (and probably all of you reading this) was wondering what my strange attachment to a t-shirt is...well, I stole it from my ex...it was one of his faves and every time I wear it, it gives me great pleasure to know that he never will again! Evil I know but, hey, I never said I was an angel or anything.
There's a new hottie in town...
And his name is Gilles Marini! You may remember him (or at least his 'man parts') from the Sex and the City movie but he's made quite a first impression on Dancing with the Stars, which kicked off its new season on Monday. His cha-cha was muy caliente and his body is just sexy as hell. Check it out (the dance starts around the 1 minute mark)
Ay caramba! Can someone get me a fan?!
Interns rock!
Being able to pawn all your crap work off on someone else is the single best anti-depressant out there! I currently have two so it's double the pleasure, double the fun for me. And, if that wasn't cool enough, one of my interns is from Australia and her accent provides me much entertainment...she's constantly saying insanely amusing things like "brelli" instead of umbrella and "zet" instead of the letter "z". It's a shame I don't like coffee to send my interns out to go fetch for me...maybe I can send them out for my daily fix of salt and vinegar chips instead haha.
My mother used one of my favorite t-shirts as a rag -- WTF!
What? Did you really think I could go a whole week without adding at least one of these in? I couldn't believe it when I walked into the kitchen and there it was, lying on the floor of the back porch with some heinous kitchen appliance on top of it. Naturally, I threw a bit of a hissy fit at my mother for this negligent behavior and told her that I wanted it back. We argued for a few minutes--she said that the shirt is ugly and I said that if that was the basis, then we could use a bunch of her clothes for rags (I was semi-kidding). Eventually, I won the battle and Mom actually laughed a little as she threw it in the wash. I imagine she (and probably all of you reading this) was wondering what my strange attachment to a t-shirt is...well, I stole it from my ex...it was one of his faves and every time I wear it, it gives me great pleasure to know that he never will again! Evil I know but, hey, I never said I was an angel or anything.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Lean, Mean, and GREEN
Shamrocks and leprechauns and kilts OH MY! You guessed it--St. Patrick's Day (or month really) is here! Say what you want about the "Irish Curse" but, when March rolls around, everybody wants to sport the green, white and orange. Don't believe me? Try venturing into Hoboken or NYC during their St. Patty's celebrations...I dare you.
I was just in Hoboken for their festivities this past weekend and, let me tell you, it was a shit-show! An all day drinking fest--definitely not for the faint of heart (or liver for that matter). Among the mayhem, my friends and I thought it would be fun to have a spelling bee...and document it. Here are some highlights:
I'll leave you with one last note about St. Patrick's Day: Shenanigans, S-H-E-N-A-N-I-G-A-N-S, Shenanigans!
I was just in Hoboken for their festivities this past weekend and, let me tell you, it was a shit-show! An all day drinking fest--definitely not for the faint of heart (or liver for that matter). Among the mayhem, my friends and I thought it would be fun to have a spelling bee...and document it. Here are some highlights:
I'll leave you with one last note about St. Patrick's Day: Shenanigans, S-H-E-N-A-N-I-G-A-N-S, Shenanigans!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
1. Bachelor proposes, then takes it back...on live television -- WTF! He dumps one broad, proposes to the other and then, on a post-show special, dumps her and goes back to the one he dumped originally. This is the epitome of what's wrong with reality tv (except for Dancing with the Stars which is still the bomb-diggity and premieres Monday, March 9). In the 13 seasons that this show has aired, only one couple has actually gotten married and stayed together. That says a lot about how far people will go for their 15 minutes of fame. These girls should try something more dignifying...Girls Gone Wild perhaps?
2. Woman with an "objects fetish" marries Eiffel Tower -- WTF! She took its name and everything--please welcome Mrs. Eiffel Tower. Now, I can definitely understand the appeal here...nice to look at, won't let you down, no commitment issues to deal with...sounds like a sweet deal. But if you're going to fall in love with an inanimate object, at least find something that will love you back like, say, a vibrator. Ah well, it could be worse...she could be the new Mrs. Newark Penn Station.
3. Winter -- WTF! Enough already, I'm done! Damn that stupid ass groundhoug and his stupid ass shadow! I ran out of winter clothes somewhere around late November so I'd appreciate if Mr. Chilly Temps would move out and set up permanent, secluded residence in Canada.
Lizzy - pants + mini-skirt = happiness all around.
4. School loans -- WTF! I just found out yesterday that SallieMae owns me until 2021! That evil loan wench, who does she think she is?! Four years of blood, sweat and tears and what do you get at graduation--a one-way ticket to debtsville! I would have rather sold my soul...the interest would be cheaper.
2. Woman with an "objects fetish" marries Eiffel Tower -- WTF! She took its name and everything--please welcome Mrs. Eiffel Tower. Now, I can definitely understand the appeal here...nice to look at, won't let you down, no commitment issues to deal with...sounds like a sweet deal. But if you're going to fall in love with an inanimate object, at least find something that will love you back like, say, a vibrator. Ah well, it could be worse...she could be the new Mrs. Newark Penn Station.
3. Winter -- WTF! Enough already, I'm done! Damn that stupid ass groundhoug and his stupid ass shadow! I ran out of winter clothes somewhere around late November so I'd appreciate if Mr. Chilly Temps would move out and set up permanent, secluded residence in Canada.Lizzy - pants + mini-skirt = happiness all around.
4. School loans -- WTF! I just found out yesterday that SallieMae owns me until 2021! That evil loan wench, who does she think she is?! Four years of blood, sweat and tears and what do you get at graduation--a one-way ticket to debtsville! I would have rather sold my soul...the interest would be cheaper.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Calling all Shooter girls
I came across an interesting article yesterday. In it were numerous tips from bartenders on how to pick up women (since bartenders have seen and heard it all when it comes to this topic). This particular one stood out to me...
Look out for the Lemon Drop
"You can definitely spot the girls who are looking for a good time and want to flirt: They usually come in groups and line up at the bar versus at a table to make it easier for guys to talk to them. And if you see them drinking Lemon Drops — a yellowish liquid in a shot glass garnished with a lemon that's been dipped in sugar — it's a sure sign that these girls just wanna have fun! It's replaced the Cosmo as the drink of choice for the Sex and the City-type girls."
I have to say that I don't agree with this at all. The lemon drop, comprised of Absolut Citron a.k.a. the 'yellowish liquid,' is a great middle ground between the strong, 'manly' shots like tequila and the fruity, 'girly' shots like red-heated sluts. In my opinion, lemon-droppers are fun and flirty but aren't necessarily looking to be approached. Girls who are really looking for a 'good time' order shots like screaming orgasm, blue balls, blow job, cum in a bucket...you get the point. Kinda gives new meaning to the term, "sex sells," doesn't it?
Look out for the Lemon Drop
"You can definitely spot the girls who are looking for a good time and want to flirt: They usually come in groups and line up at the bar versus at a table to make it easier for guys to talk to them. And if you see them drinking Lemon Drops — a yellowish liquid in a shot glass garnished with a lemon that's been dipped in sugar — it's a sure sign that these girls just wanna have fun! It's replaced the Cosmo as the drink of choice for the Sex and the City-type girls."
I have to say that I don't agree with this at all. The lemon drop, comprised of Absolut Citron a.k.a. the 'yellowish liquid,' is a great middle ground between the strong, 'manly' shots like tequila and the fruity, 'girly' shots like red-heated sluts. In my opinion, lemon-droppers are fun and flirty but aren't necessarily looking to be approached. Girls who are really looking for a 'good time' order shots like screaming orgasm, blue balls, blow job, cum in a bucket...you get the point. Kinda gives new meaning to the term, "sex sells," doesn't it?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
1. Weave saves woman's life -- WTF! This is something you'd see in the soap opera version of 8 Mile: Girl meets guy, girl dates guy, girl breaks up with guy, girl gets shot by guy, girl's weave stop's guy's bullet. And the screen behind the news anchor is hilarious...unbeWEAVEable...you guys over at Fox are so damn clever.
2. $8 beers at a sports arena-- WTF! You've probably heard this rant before, possibly even from me, but seriously, it's just ridiculous! If I wanted to pay that much for a beer, I would go to hell--cause that's what hell is to me--a place where one beer costs $8. Okay, that may be a little dramatic considering I have payed that much money for beer in the past and most likely will again in the future but that's just because I'm a raging alcoholic, not because I condone such behavior! Clearly the alcohol industry is recession proof...I'll drink to that!
3. Octo-Mom to star in porn -- WTF! How sexy is a single, weirdo mother of 14? About as sexy as a 500 lb. bearded lady with toenail fungus! Gross gross gross!!! Knowing her, she'll probably save some of her male co-stars' 'swimmies' to further grow her army of under-privileged children.
4. Topless coffee shop -- WTF! I just don't get it. Do people really want to be served their morning latte by a half-naked stranger? Scratch that question if you're a man because we all know the answer is YES. But let me pose another question: Do you really want to be serving scorching hot coffee wearing only enough to cover your goodies? Talk about a 'hot' mess if there happens to be any spillage. OUCH! Stick to what you're good at
Monday, February 23, 2009
Hottie of the Week
My vote for this week's hottie of the week goes to Sean Penn.
If his bad-ass broody boyish-in-a-grown-man-type good looks and equally bad-ass attempts to fend off the paparazzi weren't enough to earn the spot, his acceptance speech for best actor at last night's Oscars definitely clinched it. I nearly spit out my drink when he called the Academy "commie, homo-loving sons of guns." CLASSIC!
P.S. He also looks pretty sexy rockin' the all-black tux.
If his bad-ass broody boyish-in-a-grown-man-type good looks and equally bad-ass attempts to fend off the paparazzi weren't enough to earn the spot, his acceptance speech for best actor at last night's Oscars definitely clinched it. I nearly spit out my drink when he called the Academy "commie, homo-loving sons of guns." CLASSIC!
P.S. He also looks pretty sexy rockin' the all-black tux.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
1. The Jessica Simpson Weight Debate 2009 -- WTF! Remember Jessica's stint with reality tv? Does chickeny-tuna ring a bell? And how can anyone forget her response to Nick Lachey asking if she wanted buffalo wings: "Sorry, I don't eat buffalo." Nobody really cared back then when people were calling her a dumb blonde or an airhead, yet, a few comments about her putting on a few pounds and all hell breaks loose! Now, before I go on, I want to state my opinion that Jessica Simpson is, in no way, shape, or form, fat. But girl needs to stay out of this outfit!
Ain't nothing wrong with having boobs, hips and a booty--just ask any man--but her 'lady curves' are bustin' out all over the place. As the age-old saying goes, 'dress for your body,' and Jessica's body is screaming for a new pair of pants...and to burn that belt!
2. Fortune cookies -- WTF! As an avid Chinese food eater, I have to say that I have become increasingly disappointed with the caliber of fortunes that are being handed out these days. Fortune cookies used to be a fun little perk at the end of a ridiculously fat, sodium, and msg filled meal; now, they're all philosophical and thought provoking. What's up with that? And, to make matters worse, some fortunes are not even gender neutral anymore! I got one a while back that said, "You and your wife will be very happy together." Umm, do these Chinese folk know something I don't because, last I checked, I wasn't gay! Please bring back the feel-good fortunes of old...and for the love of men (that would be my love of men), please stop trying to change people's sexual orientation.
3. Woman goes berserk in airport -- WTF! I think the clip below speaks for itself but in case it doesn't, I have decided to add in my own subtitles at the bottom...
Translation: AHHHH! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I MISSED MY FLIGHT?! THIS CANNOT BE...I MUST GET HOME SO THAT I MAY SERVICE MY HUSBAND AHHH! IF YOU DO NOT GET ME ON A PLANE RIGHT NOW I WILL TAKE MY TANTRUM TO NEW HEIGHTS AHHHHHH! I WISH THERE WAS SOMEONE WITH A CAMERA HERE SO THAT I COULD SMASH IT LIKE KANYE WEST AHHHHHHHHH! SO I REALLY MISSED MY FLIGHT?!! THEN I WILL THROW MYSELF TO THE FLOOR AND CONTINUE THIS PSYCHOTIC MELTDOWN UNTIL THE NEXT AVAILABLE FLIGHT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Ain't nothing wrong with having boobs, hips and a booty--just ask any man--but her 'lady curves' are bustin' out all over the place. As the age-old saying goes, 'dress for your body,' and Jessica's body is screaming for a new pair of pants...and to burn that belt!2. Fortune cookies -- WTF! As an avid Chinese food eater, I have to say that I have become increasingly disappointed with the caliber of fortunes that are being handed out these days. Fortune cookies used to be a fun little perk at the end of a ridiculously fat, sodium, and msg filled meal; now, they're all philosophical and thought provoking. What's up with that? And, to make matters worse, some fortunes are not even gender neutral anymore! I got one a while back that said, "You and your wife will be very happy together." Umm, do these Chinese folk know something I don't because, last I checked, I wasn't gay! Please bring back the feel-good fortunes of old...and for the love of men (that would be my love of men), please stop trying to change people's sexual orientation.
3. Woman goes berserk in airport -- WTF! I think the clip below speaks for itself but in case it doesn't, I have decided to add in my own subtitles at the bottom...
Translation: AHHHH! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I MISSED MY FLIGHT?! THIS CANNOT BE...I MUST GET HOME SO THAT I MAY SERVICE MY HUSBAND AHHH! IF YOU DO NOT GET ME ON A PLANE RIGHT NOW I WILL TAKE MY TANTRUM TO NEW HEIGHTS AHHHHHH! I WISH THERE WAS SOMEONE WITH A CAMERA HERE SO THAT I COULD SMASH IT LIKE KANYE WEST AHHHHHHHHH! SO I REALLY MISSED MY FLIGHT?!! THEN I WILL THROW MYSELF TO THE FLOOR AND CONTINUE THIS PSYCHOTIC MELTDOWN UNTIL THE NEXT AVAILABLE FLIGHT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Chicken Soup for the Single Soul
Love is in the air...everywhere you look, there are candy hearts, teddy bears, flowers and heart-shaped balloons...it's Valentine's Day! Some of you are overjoyed and just plain giddy at the thought of spending this holiday (and I use the term very, very loosely) with that special someone. Some of you others may be plotting some kind of Chinese torture filled revenge against that diaper-wearing flamer known as Cupid.
But no matter what your relationship status, you should always remember that we have all been, at one point or another, in the same boat--we've all been on that wild ride to find the perfect mate. (Footnote: For some of us, that ride has been more turbulent than others)
Thus, in light of V-day, I have opted to share with you a story, an UN-love story if you will, to remind the happily coupled ones out there to be thankful for what they have and to remind the singletons that it could always be worse. So, un-singles, put down the 5 pound box of chocolates, and singles, please put away the scissors, and enjoy the story...
It was roughly about a year ago. I was single (gee, there's a shocker). I was on Facebook one day and noticed that this guy had labeled me as "hot" in one of those stupid applications that I no longer participate in due to the trauma of this series of unfortunate events!!!! But let me not get ahead of myself...
So, I saw that he labeled me as "hot" and he looked fairly good-looking himself, especially since he was shirtless and had a six-pack in the pic. I decided to return the response that he was "hot" and left it at that. A few days later, he had messaged me via Facebook asking if I wanted to chat via phone or maybe AIM. Well, I'm no crazy but I was a bit curious so I took the safer route and gave him my screen name. We chatted for a few days online and he seemed rather interesting so I gave him my phone number. After about a week of phone conversations, I had gathered that this chap, a Rutgers grad-student, was smart, nice, and possibly worth getting to know better. Therefore, when he asked if I wanted to have dinner with him the following Saturday night, I agreed.
I offered to meet him half-way between New Brunswick and Kearny because I definitely was not going to have him pick me up (like I said, I'm no crazy). The place he picked out was a very nice restaurant but, unfortunately, the location was terrible and I soon found myself in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Date from hell begins.
I was getting annoyed--I have severe road rage for those of you who don't know--and it was getting to the point where I almost didn't want to go on the date anymore at all. My phone calls with Facebook dude (from here on out I'm going to refer to him as 'FD') during all this traffic were not helping any either. I finally arrived at the restaurant and FD said he was still maybe 20 minutes away which was not making me very happy, especially when I saw that the parking lot was completely full. Driving through the parking lot, I figured that this place was packed and we would have to wait a while to even get a table since FD had failed to make a reservation--strike 1! The thought of having to wait there and make conversation before even getting a table made me extremely uncomfortable so I made a split decision to exit the parking lot and continue down the road.
I called FD and told him that I had gone in the restaurant and the hostess told me the wait was going to be about an hour (ok, so I lied about actually going in the restaurant but seriously I was not in the mood). I said that I had left the parking lot and continued driving to find somewhere else to eat since it was already getting late. As I drove and noticed that there were no other places to eat in the direction that I was heading, I decided to make a U-turn. At this point, FD called me to inform me that he was sitting at a table in the restaurant that he had picked out (oh shit, I was caught). I made up some BS about how the hostess lied to me and I added in, "Ugh, what a bitch!" for dramatic effect. After deciding that it would be pointless for me to make another U-turn and get stuck in the massive traffic again, I pulled over at this cutesy little pub/restaurant on 'my side' of the road and waited for FD to arrive.
When he finally got there about 15 minutes later, I was, for lack of a better word, shocked. He looked nothing like he did in his pic--strike 2. Or maybe he took the pic so far away that the only thing that could clearly be made out were his abs...but either way, I wasn't feeling it. Whatever, I'm not that shallow so I decided to drop the fact that his facebook profile was what we in the marketing world call false advertising (and I'll take back that strike because there's plenty more to come).
Have you ever been out somewhere and spotted two people who were so obviously on a first date, all awkward and un-fun? That was us...or at least me. The guy would not stop talking about himself! Honestly, the whole time he did not ask a single question about me--strike 2. Where had the sweet guy from the phone calls who actually let me speak gone? And in his ongoing self-obsessed rant, he almost managed to make me feel bad about myself because while he was off at grad school, I was having a life and having fun with my friends and going out partying--strike 3. Now I say almost because I will never feel bad about my lifestyle and I'll never apologize for it--after all, Johnny Walker is the best boyfriend a girl could ask for!
Needless to say, the check couldn't have come soon enough! Normally, I would do the typical 'wallet reach' girl maneuver but FD had been so insistent on the phone the day before that he never allows the girl to pay on a date so I made a point to not even try. He took the check and then started shuffling about his pockets and such at which point he said, "Oh no, I think I forgot my wallet at home." WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! F%@#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN WE SAY STRIKE 4! Guess who had to foot the bill--yours truly of course! What made it worse was the fact that 3/4 of the bill was his stupid appetizer and steak dinner...and let's not forget the million sodas he had!
As if none of this was bad enough, the moron had the nerve to try and kiss me--strike 5. I should give him 3 strikes for this bonehead move alone. I mean, the kid must be missing some serious brain neurons if he thought that my lips were going anywhere near his after this spectacle of a date. He's lucky my knee didn't go anywhere near his crotch! Hell, with 5 strikes, he's lucky I didn't run his ass over!
Suffice to say, this was the first and last time I ever met anyone online. This was definitely a WTF if I ever saw one.
The end. I hope you have all learned the valuable lessons I set out to teach with this UN-love story. Have a Happy Valentine's Day! <3>
But no matter what your relationship status, you should always remember that we have all been, at one point or another, in the same boat--we've all been on that wild ride to find the perfect mate. (Footnote: For some of us, that ride has been more turbulent than others)
Thus, in light of V-day, I have opted to share with you a story, an UN-love story if you will, to remind the happily coupled ones out there to be thankful for what they have and to remind the singletons that it could always be worse. So, un-singles, put down the 5 pound box of chocolates, and singles, please put away the scissors, and enjoy the story...
It was roughly about a year ago. I was single (gee, there's a shocker). I was on Facebook one day and noticed that this guy had labeled me as "hot" in one of those stupid applications that I no longer participate in due to the trauma of this series of unfortunate events!!!! But let me not get ahead of myself...
So, I saw that he labeled me as "hot" and he looked fairly good-looking himself, especially since he was shirtless and had a six-pack in the pic. I decided to return the response that he was "hot" and left it at that. A few days later, he had messaged me via Facebook asking if I wanted to chat via phone or maybe AIM. Well, I'm no crazy but I was a bit curious so I took the safer route and gave him my screen name. We chatted for a few days online and he seemed rather interesting so I gave him my phone number. After about a week of phone conversations, I had gathered that this chap, a Rutgers grad-student, was smart, nice, and possibly worth getting to know better. Therefore, when he asked if I wanted to have dinner with him the following Saturday night, I agreed.
I offered to meet him half-way between New Brunswick and Kearny because I definitely was not going to have him pick me up (like I said, I'm no crazy). The place he picked out was a very nice restaurant but, unfortunately, the location was terrible and I soon found myself in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Date from hell begins.
I was getting annoyed--I have severe road rage for those of you who don't know--and it was getting to the point where I almost didn't want to go on the date anymore at all. My phone calls with Facebook dude (from here on out I'm going to refer to him as 'FD') during all this traffic were not helping any either. I finally arrived at the restaurant and FD said he was still maybe 20 minutes away which was not making me very happy, especially when I saw that the parking lot was completely full. Driving through the parking lot, I figured that this place was packed and we would have to wait a while to even get a table since FD had failed to make a reservation--strike 1! The thought of having to wait there and make conversation before even getting a table made me extremely uncomfortable so I made a split decision to exit the parking lot and continue down the road.
I called FD and told him that I had gone in the restaurant and the hostess told me the wait was going to be about an hour (ok, so I lied about actually going in the restaurant but seriously I was not in the mood). I said that I had left the parking lot and continued driving to find somewhere else to eat since it was already getting late. As I drove and noticed that there were no other places to eat in the direction that I was heading, I decided to make a U-turn. At this point, FD called me to inform me that he was sitting at a table in the restaurant that he had picked out (oh shit, I was caught). I made up some BS about how the hostess lied to me and I added in, "Ugh, what a bitch!" for dramatic effect. After deciding that it would be pointless for me to make another U-turn and get stuck in the massive traffic again, I pulled over at this cutesy little pub/restaurant on 'my side' of the road and waited for FD to arrive.
When he finally got there about 15 minutes later, I was, for lack of a better word, shocked. He looked nothing like he did in his pic--strike 2. Or maybe he took the pic so far away that the only thing that could clearly be made out were his abs...but either way, I wasn't feeling it. Whatever, I'm not that shallow so I decided to drop the fact that his facebook profile was what we in the marketing world call false advertising (and I'll take back that strike because there's plenty more to come).
Have you ever been out somewhere and spotted two people who were so obviously on a first date, all awkward and un-fun? That was us...or at least me. The guy would not stop talking about himself! Honestly, the whole time he did not ask a single question about me--strike 2. Where had the sweet guy from the phone calls who actually let me speak gone? And in his ongoing self-obsessed rant, he almost managed to make me feel bad about myself because while he was off at grad school, I was having a life and having fun with my friends and going out partying--strike 3. Now I say almost because I will never feel bad about my lifestyle and I'll never apologize for it--after all, Johnny Walker is the best boyfriend a girl could ask for!
Needless to say, the check couldn't have come soon enough! Normally, I would do the typical 'wallet reach' girl maneuver but FD had been so insistent on the phone the day before that he never allows the girl to pay on a date so I made a point to not even try. He took the check and then started shuffling about his pockets and such at which point he said, "Oh no, I think I forgot my wallet at home." WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! F%@#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN WE SAY STRIKE 4! Guess who had to foot the bill--yours truly of course! What made it worse was the fact that 3/4 of the bill was his stupid appetizer and steak dinner...and let's not forget the million sodas he had!
As if none of this was bad enough, the moron had the nerve to try and kiss me--strike 5. I should give him 3 strikes for this bonehead move alone. I mean, the kid must be missing some serious brain neurons if he thought that my lips were going anywhere near his after this spectacle of a date. He's lucky my knee didn't go anywhere near his crotch! Hell, with 5 strikes, he's lucky I didn't run his ass over!
Suffice to say, this was the first and last time I ever met anyone online. This was definitely a WTF if I ever saw one.
The end. I hope you have all learned the valuable lessons I set out to teach with this UN-love story. Have a Happy Valentine's Day! <3>
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
1. Chris Brown beats up Rihanna -- WTF! Say it ain't So Chris? Why would you jeopardize your sponsorship with Doublemint gum (oh, and your music career) just to slap your girlfriend around a little bit? Where did you learn this violence...it was during your stint on the O.C. wasn't it? I knew guys named Chris were trouble but DAMN! OMG wait...does this mean I have to stop liking his song "Forever?"
2. A-Rod and Michael Phelps being crucified for their 'indiscretions' -- WTF! So this is the second week in a row that I'm defending Alex Rodriguez...you'd almost think that I actually like the guy! But seriously, A-Rod did steroids in 2003...so did a hundred other guys in Major League Baseball...literally! And 2003 was sooo 6 years ago! And poor Michael Phelps is just trying to have a good time after winning a record-breaking 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics...sorry for partying! He's not a monk for crying out loud; he's a 23 year old idiot (like 99% of guys) who just happens to have amazing abs and fins for feet. I feel like the media is turning these stories into a 2009 version of the Salem Witch Trials. Why don't we just hang them or burn them at the stake?
3. Salma Hayek breastfeeds another woman's baby -- WTF! Ok, so she did it because the mother had no milk but it's still kind of creepy! Couldn't she have just pumped it into a bottle and then fed him? I mean, it's not like this kid is the first to not get milk fresh out of the boob...and what is this poor kid going to do now that he's had a taste of Salma's 'goodies?' Salma--you give new meaning to the word 'TEASE!'
4. Valentine's Day -- WTF! That's it. Cupid sucks. Who wants to get hit by an arrow by some creepy, diaper-wearing doofus anyway?!
Ok, I'm done, 'cause I drank one too many margaritas at lunch and am about ready to pass out!
2. A-Rod and Michael Phelps being crucified for their 'indiscretions' -- WTF! So this is the second week in a row that I'm defending Alex Rodriguez...you'd almost think that I actually like the guy! But seriously, A-Rod did steroids in 2003...so did a hundred other guys in Major League Baseball...literally! And 2003 was sooo 6 years ago! And poor Michael Phelps is just trying to have a good time after winning a record-breaking 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics...sorry for partying! He's not a monk for crying out loud; he's a 23 year old idiot (like 99% of guys) who just happens to have amazing abs and fins for feet. I feel like the media is turning these stories into a 2009 version of the Salem Witch Trials. Why don't we just hang them or burn them at the stake?
3. Salma Hayek breastfeeds another woman's baby -- WTF! Ok, so she did it because the mother had no milk but it's still kind of creepy! Couldn't she have just pumped it into a bottle and then fed him? I mean, it's not like this kid is the first to not get milk fresh out of the boob...and what is this poor kid going to do now that he's had a taste of Salma's 'goodies?' Salma--you give new meaning to the word 'TEASE!'
4. Valentine's Day -- WTF! That's it. Cupid sucks. Who wants to get hit by an arrow by some creepy, diaper-wearing doofus anyway?!
Ok, I'm done, 'cause I drank one too many margaritas at lunch and am about ready to pass out!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
1. Guys who fall off the face of the earth and then randomly call/text you months later--WTF! The worst part is that said guys act so nonchalant as if we (girls/women) will miraculously have amnesia to the fact that they neglected to attempt to get in touch with us for such a long period of time! I've said it time and time again--they always come back--and it's true; yet, it never seizes to amaze me when guys pull a stunt like this. Ladies: If you choose to give the poor fool a second chance (and I'm not against the idea), make sure you torture the hell out of him first! :)
Speaking of the stupidity that is the male species...
2. Joe Torre's book about the Yankees--WTF? In the book, he calls Alex Rodriguez--one of the best baseball players ever (albeit a cocky, ass of a man that has choked for the Yanks in pressure situations)--"A-Fraud." Joe, seriously, what are you, like 12? Now he's saying that it's an inside joke but even if that's true, what happened to the motto, 'what goes on in the clubhouse, stays in the clubhouse.' I should thank Joe for supporting my notion that professional athletes are men who don't want to grow up!
3. Catfight alert: Hillary Duff vs...Faye Dunaway--WTF?! So, apparently, a Bonnie & Clyde remake is in the works for 2010 and Duff is set to play Bonnie. This role originally belonged to Dunaway and she was none too pleased to hear who her successor would be. Dunaway's response to the news was something along the lines of "I thought they'd at least get a real actress." Hillary, of course, is pissed by this comment (and rightfully so...I mean, I can only imagine the level of acting skill needed to play Lizzie McGuire). Not quite sure I can see Hil as the bad girl bank robber but what do I know. After all, her retort, "I might be mad if I looked like that now too," is so bad-ass that Dunaway must be shakin' in her nylons!
4. Woman gives birth to octuplets after already having six children--WTF! Her mother thinks that she's obsessed with having babies because she was an only child. Now, I can understand wanting to have more than one child because only children are weird (sorry to any of you reading this who are one but, seriously, case in point)...but fourteen children! How is she going to afford that? And let's not forget that kids don't just take care of themselves (Angie and Brad probably have a whole army just to help them take care of their worldly bunch). Did this woman wake up one morning and think: let me compensate for my lonely childhood by having tons of kids that will, no doubt, have a crappy life because I can't support them? And what doctor in their right mind would fertilize a single, already-mother-of-six that doesn't even have a job?!?! SERENITY NOW!!!
I'd like to end this segment with an anti-wtf--my all-time favorite NY Ranger, Adam Graves, was honored last night at MSG with the retirement of his jersey, #9. Oh how I've missed this bloodied, toothless face...
Speaking of the stupidity that is the male species...
2. Joe Torre's book about the Yankees--WTF? In the book, he calls Alex Rodriguez--one of the best baseball players ever (albeit a cocky, ass of a man that has choked for the Yanks in pressure situations)--"A-Fraud." Joe, seriously, what are you, like 12? Now he's saying that it's an inside joke but even if that's true, what happened to the motto, 'what goes on in the clubhouse, stays in the clubhouse.' I should thank Joe for supporting my notion that professional athletes are men who don't want to grow up!
3. Catfight alert: Hillary Duff vs...Faye Dunaway--WTF?! So, apparently, a Bonnie & Clyde remake is in the works for 2010 and Duff is set to play Bonnie. This role originally belonged to Dunaway and she was none too pleased to hear who her successor would be. Dunaway's response to the news was something along the lines of "I thought they'd at least get a real actress." Hillary, of course, is pissed by this comment (and rightfully so...I mean, I can only imagine the level of acting skill needed to play Lizzie McGuire). Not quite sure I can see Hil as the bad girl bank robber but what do I know. After all, her retort, "I might be mad if I looked like that now too," is so bad-ass that Dunaway must be shakin' in her nylons!
4. Woman gives birth to octuplets after already having six children--WTF! Her mother thinks that she's obsessed with having babies because she was an only child. Now, I can understand wanting to have more than one child because only children are weird (sorry to any of you reading this who are one but, seriously, case in point)...but fourteen children! How is she going to afford that? And let's not forget that kids don't just take care of themselves (Angie and Brad probably have a whole army just to help them take care of their worldly bunch). Did this woman wake up one morning and think: let me compensate for my lonely childhood by having tons of kids that will, no doubt, have a crappy life because I can't support them? And what doctor in their right mind would fertilize a single, already-mother-of-six that doesn't even have a job?!?! SERENITY NOW!!!
I'd like to end this segment with an anti-wtf--my all-time favorite NY Ranger, Adam Graves, was honored last night at MSG with the retirement of his jersey, #9. Oh how I've missed this bloodied, toothless face...
Monday, February 2, 2009
There's Always Next Year...
I'm going to wrap up my Superbowl-themed posts with a quick rundown of yesterday's extravaganza:
Jennifer Hudson's rendition of our national anthem -- great!
Bruce's half-time show -- great (and I'm not just saying that cause he's from Jersey)!
Second half of the game -- great (even though the Cardinals lost)!
Superbowl commercials -- NOT so great!
Overall, I was really disappointed with the level of un-funny that were the Superbowl commercials. Bud, in particular, was disappointing to me because they have always come up with some clever ads. Remember the Bud-weis-er frogs? Or, more recently, this one:
Hopefully, next year, they drop the horses and redeem themselves.
Amidst all the horrific commercials, however, were a few noteworthy bits. I enjoyed the E*Trade ad--I appreciated the cute black baby they brought into the mix and, if the fact that he just randomly broke out into song wasn't funny enough, he busted out Tupac's 'Broken Wings' which, for some reason, just made it that much funnier for me. Doritos to me had the two best commercials of the night and I have given top honors to this one that actually had me laughing out loud:
So that's that...one more Superbowl come and gone...anyone have any thoughts they'd like to share about the game, the commercials, etc.? I'd love to hear input from others...
Jennifer Hudson's rendition of our national anthem -- great!
Bruce's half-time show -- great (and I'm not just saying that cause he's from Jersey)!
Second half of the game -- great (even though the Cardinals lost)!
Superbowl commercials -- NOT so great!
Overall, I was really disappointed with the level of un-funny that were the Superbowl commercials. Bud, in particular, was disappointing to me because they have always come up with some clever ads. Remember the Bud-weis-er frogs? Or, more recently, this one:
Hopefully, next year, they drop the horses and redeem themselves.
Amidst all the horrific commercials, however, were a few noteworthy bits. I enjoyed the E*Trade ad--I appreciated the cute black baby they brought into the mix and, if the fact that he just randomly broke out into song wasn't funny enough, he busted out Tupac's 'Broken Wings' which, for some reason, just made it that much funnier for me. Doritos to me had the two best commercials of the night and I have given top honors to this one that actually had me laughing out loud:
So that's that...one more Superbowl come and gone...anyone have any thoughts they'd like to share about the game, the commercials, etc.? I'd love to hear input from others...
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Hottie of the Week
In keeping with the Superbowl spirit, this week's hottie award goes to one sexy (albeit slutty) footballer--Tom Brady.
Sure, Brady is a baby-mama abandoning ass who plays for one of the cockiest God-awful, over-rated teams in the NFL (a.k.a the Patriots)...luckily for him, I'm not basing my decision on any of that. The fact of the matter is that, as much as I hate to admit it because it goes against everything I stand for as a Giants fan, the guy is gorgeous! I would score touchdowns with him on--and off--the field. Word on the street is that he has a girlfriend. You may know her--legs for days Victoria Secret model Gisele Bundchen. But ladies, if he liked it then he should've put a ring on it! Until he puts a ridiculously big diamond on her bony little finger, it's fair game! Play on...
Sure, Brady is a baby-mama abandoning ass who plays for one of the cockiest God-awful, over-rated teams in the NFL (a.k.a the Patriots)...luckily for him, I'm not basing my decision on any of that. The fact of the matter is that, as much as I hate to admit it because it goes against everything I stand for as a Giants fan, the guy is gorgeous! I would score touchdowns with him on--and off--the field. Word on the street is that he has a girlfriend. You may know her--legs for days Victoria Secret model Gisele Bundchen. But ladies, if he liked it then he should've put a ring on it! Until he puts a ridiculously big diamond on her bony little finger, it's fair game! Play on...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
Superbowl time is upon us--a time for football, food, and, if we're lucky, a string of fabulously funny commercials. To that note, this week's WTF's are dedicated to ads that you won't see this Sunday (and many thanks to NBC for making that happen)...
1. PETA's "Veggie Sex" ad -- WTF! The ad features half naked women caressing and licking vegetables like it's their job...yuck ladies, get a vibrator!!! You say PETA, I say PITA--Pain In The Ass--'cause that's exactly what this group is! Seriously, the only people who pay attention to these ads are straight men and I'm pretty sure that the message they're receiving has nothing to do with being a vegetarian. In closing, let me just say this: I'll take a thick, juicy sausage over a head of celery any day ;o)
2. AshleyMadison.com "WHO are You Doing After the Game?" ad -- WTF! In case you aren't aware, AshleyMadison.com is a website designed to play matchmaker for people looking to have an affair. That, in itself, is a big WTF! The divorce rate in America is already 40% and we certainly don't need Ashley Madison's help to achieve such a painstaking makes-me-want-to-never-get-married statistic! If you want to cheat on your wife or husband, do you really need a website? Just take your wedding ring off before you go out...or better yet...leave it on! Men love the seeming unattainability of the married woman and women are tragically attracted to the married man's seeming ability to commit. See, how hard is that? But seriously, here's an idea for those of you who don't want to spend the rest of your lives with just one person: Don't get married! Stay single, live it up 'Sex and the City' style and do society a favor by keeping the divorce rate down. Sounds like a win-win to me...
To see the banned ads, click here: Too hot--I mean WEIRD--for Superbowl
I'm sure there are plenty more but I'm all WTF'd out for the day. Have a happy Superbowl (Go Cardinals) and stay tuned for next week's edition.
1. PETA's "Veggie Sex" ad -- WTF! The ad features half naked women caressing and licking vegetables like it's their job...yuck ladies, get a vibrator!!! You say PETA, I say PITA--Pain In The Ass--'cause that's exactly what this group is! Seriously, the only people who pay attention to these ads are straight men and I'm pretty sure that the message they're receiving has nothing to do with being a vegetarian. In closing, let me just say this: I'll take a thick, juicy sausage over a head of celery any day ;o)
2. AshleyMadison.com "WHO are You Doing After the Game?" ad -- WTF! In case you aren't aware, AshleyMadison.com is a website designed to play matchmaker for people looking to have an affair. That, in itself, is a big WTF! The divorce rate in America is already 40% and we certainly don't need Ashley Madison's help to achieve such a painstaking makes-me-want-to-never-get-married statistic! If you want to cheat on your wife or husband, do you really need a website? Just take your wedding ring off before you go out...or better yet...leave it on! Men love the seeming unattainability of the married woman and women are tragically attracted to the married man's seeming ability to commit. See, how hard is that? But seriously, here's an idea for those of you who don't want to spend the rest of your lives with just one person: Don't get married! Stay single, live it up 'Sex and the City' style and do society a favor by keeping the divorce rate down. Sounds like a win-win to me...
To see the banned ads, click here: Too hot--I mean WEIRD--for Superbowl
I'm sure there are plenty more but I'm all WTF'd out for the day. Have a happy Superbowl (Go Cardinals) and stay tuned for next week's edition.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Luck be a Lizzy...
Yours truly is back from Atlantic City a whopping $170 richer! Does this officially make me a high roller?
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
1. Spending over $150 million on an Inauguration--WTF! Are we in a recession or was I just dreaming that hundreds of thousands of people have lost their jobs and/or homes? It's hard to believe that four years ago, so many people gave Bush grief for spending $40 million, not even a third of what was spent yesterday. Either inflation has reached ridiculous heights over the past four years or our new President went just a wee bit overboard...
2. Rich, famous people driving drunk and getting DUI's--WTF! Shia LaBeouf's license was just suspended for a year after being booked on a DUI charge. Let's hope his hand heals soon since he's going to need it to hail cabs from now on. I just don't get it. You have money...you can afford a cab...hell, you can afford a driver! If I was rich, I'd be pulling up in limos all the time! C'mon people--get your heads out of the beer keg long enough to make a decision that's not going to result in a mugshot! Speaking of mugshots, here are some of my faves...
3. Britney Spears' new song, "If U Seek Amy"--this is actually a two-part WTF! Part 1: The song itself--WTF! The title is supposed to be suggestive because if you sound it out, phonetically it resembles the letters F-U-C-K but I just think that the song makes no sense. Some lyrics to the chorus: "Love me, hate me Say what you want about me But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If U Seek Amy"--sounds dumb doesn't it? Part 2: Radio stations banned the song because of its suggestive nature, forcing Britney to change the lyrics from "seek" to "see"--WTF! First of all, now the song makes even less sense than it did before. Second, are these the same stations that, in the past, have aired songs like "I Touch Myself," "How Many Licks," "Too Close" a.k.a the 'Boner' song, and "One Minute Man?" This song seems tame compared to its many many 'suggestive' predecessors.
4. Joaquin Phoenix makes his rapping debut--WTF! Oh Jaoquin, where do I begin? Well, for one, you're white...and not the Eminem 8-Mile kind of white, the Oscar-nominated for playing Johnny Cash kind of white. The beard, the performance, the falling off the stage...it all just screams disaster! Joaquin, for the love of eardrums everywhere, 'walk the line' back to what you're good at--acting.
and finally...
5. I slipped and fell down the stairs yesterday--WTF!!!! It's not bad enough that I'm a complete spaz but I have to be completely karmically challenged too?! I mean, I try to be a good person and all I have to show for it is a big, ugly bruise on my ass. I'm sitting on a pillow for crying out loud! So I repeat...to the Gods, to Mother Nature, to whoever is still reading this...WTF!
2. Rich, famous people driving drunk and getting DUI's--WTF! Shia LaBeouf's license was just suspended for a year after being booked on a DUI charge. Let's hope his hand heals soon since he's going to need it to hail cabs from now on. I just don't get it. You have money...you can afford a cab...hell, you can afford a driver! If I was rich, I'd be pulling up in limos all the time! C'mon people--get your heads out of the beer keg long enough to make a decision that's not going to result in a mugshot! Speaking of mugshots, here are some of my faves...
3. Britney Spears' new song, "If U Seek Amy"--this is actually a two-part WTF! Part 1: The song itself--WTF! The title is supposed to be suggestive because if you sound it out, phonetically it resembles the letters F-U-C-K but I just think that the song makes no sense. Some lyrics to the chorus: "Love me, hate me Say what you want about me But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If U Seek Amy"--sounds dumb doesn't it? Part 2: Radio stations banned the song because of its suggestive nature, forcing Britney to change the lyrics from "seek" to "see"--WTF! First of all, now the song makes even less sense than it did before. Second, are these the same stations that, in the past, have aired songs like "I Touch Myself," "How Many Licks," "Too Close" a.k.a the 'Boner' song, and "One Minute Man?" This song seems tame compared to its many many 'suggestive' predecessors.
4. Joaquin Phoenix makes his rapping debut--WTF! Oh Jaoquin, where do I begin? Well, for one, you're white...and not the Eminem 8-Mile kind of white, the Oscar-nominated for playing Johnny Cash kind of white. The beard, the performance, the falling off the stage...it all just screams disaster! Joaquin, for the love of eardrums everywhere, 'walk the line' back to what you're good at--acting.
and finally...
5. I slipped and fell down the stairs yesterday--WTF!!!! It's not bad enough that I'm a complete spaz but I have to be completely karmically challenged too?! I mean, I try to be a good person and all I have to show for it is a big, ugly bruise on my ass. I'm sitting on a pillow for crying out loud! So I repeat...to the Gods, to Mother Nature, to whoever is still reading this...WTF!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Hottie of the Week
Starting this week, I'll be posting a weekly segment called "Hottie of the Week" to celebrate one seriously sexy male that could get even a cold-hearted man-hater all hot and bothered.
First week's honors go to a newcomer to my favorite television show, One Tree Hill--Austin Nichols.
If you've never watched One Tree Hill, believe me, there has never been a better time to start. Austin is tearing up the screen with his charm, wit, and a grin that could set smoke alarms off...seriously! If you're still not convinced, check out this clip from last night's episode.
Be still my heart...
CONGRATS AUSTIN!
First week's honors go to a newcomer to my favorite television show, One Tree Hill--Austin Nichols.
If you've never watched One Tree Hill, believe me, there has never been a better time to start. Austin is tearing up the screen with his charm, wit, and a grin that could set smoke alarms off...seriously! If you're still not convinced, check out this clip from last night's episode.Be still my heart...
CONGRATS AUSTIN!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
1. New Kids on the Block cruise--WTF! My boy Joey McIntyre says that this is not a step back but it sounds to me like they might just be 'hangin tough' to their 15 minutes of comeback fame. That being said, hell yeah I'd go on that cruise! In words inspired by Dr. Seuss--I'd see them on a boat, I'd watch them with a goat...you get the point!
2. Renee Zellweger's Golden Globes dress--WTF! I mean, seriously, what was she thinking? Sheer blouses can be sexy but, c'mon, nude colored bras are never EVER sexy! Please file that item under your "Never gonna get laid wearing that" pile!
3. Girl auditions for American Idol in a bikini--WTF! She said she wanted to set herself apart from the bunch...how about setting yourself apart with your voice...it is a singing competition after all! Imagine a world where everyone compensated for their shortcomings by wearing a skimpy bikini. I got three words for you--Fat Joe--Speedo!
4. Amy Winehouse trying to steal alcohol at a resort--WTF! The resort cut her off, what else could she do but to steal drinks from people and run? I guess she could have gone home and slept it off but what fun would that have been?! Amy WINO--get yourself back to 'Rehab' stat!
and finally...
5. Girl auctioning off her virginity--WTF!!!! There's a word that came to mind when I read this, what was it? Oh yeah, PROSTITUTE! Putting aside the major gross factor, isn't this illegal? She says it's just to pay for schooling but I say once a hooker, always a hooker! I bet Ashley Dupre said the same thing as soon-to-be UN-virgin girl before she found herself in the company of Client #9 himself, Mr. Eliot Spitzer...
2. Renee Zellweger's Golden Globes dress--WTF! I mean, seriously, what was she thinking? Sheer blouses can be sexy but, c'mon, nude colored bras are never EVER sexy! Please file that item under your "Never gonna get laid wearing that" pile!
3. Girl auditions for American Idol in a bikini--WTF! She said she wanted to set herself apart from the bunch...how about setting yourself apart with your voice...it is a singing competition after all! Imagine a world where everyone compensated for their shortcomings by wearing a skimpy bikini. I got three words for you--Fat Joe--Speedo!
4. Amy Winehouse trying to steal alcohol at a resort--WTF! The resort cut her off, what else could she do but to steal drinks from people and run? I guess she could have gone home and slept it off but what fun would that have been?! Amy WINO--get yourself back to 'Rehab' stat!
and finally...
5. Girl auctioning off her virginity--WTF!!!! There's a word that came to mind when I read this, what was it? Oh yeah, PROSTITUTE! Putting aside the major gross factor, isn't this illegal? She says it's just to pay for schooling but I say once a hooker, always a hooker! I bet Ashley Dupre said the same thing as soon-to-be UN-virgin girl before she found herself in the company of Client #9 himself, Mr. Eliot Spitzer...
Friday, January 2, 2009
Happy New Year!
Happy '09 everyone! My New Year's was spent in Baltimore with some of my favorite people at a little place called PJ's. Highlights of the night--Mike being the only guy at the bar with facial hair, drunk girl with a boot-cast on her leg slutting it up, drunk girls puking all over the place and, last but not least, walking up 6 flights of stairs because the elevators in our hotel room were not working.
I'd have to say that, amidst all of the crazy partying, my favorite part of the night was the pre-game portion that took place in our hotel room. Col, Mike and I did a power half-hour with toasts at each minute interval to changes we wish to see in 2009. Below are some of our most note-worthy...
Changes we'd like to see in '09:
I'd have to say that, amidst all of the crazy partying, my favorite part of the night was the pre-game portion that took place in our hotel room. Col, Mike and I did a power half-hour with toasts at each minute interval to changes we wish to see in 2009. Below are some of our most note-worthy...
Changes we'd like to see in '09:
- The addition of the Big Mac to the dollar menu (at least for a limited time)
- The troops to be brought home indefinitely
- A 4-day work week
- Mariah Carey and Nick Canon to have a child
- All the obesity hooplah to end...everything in moderation people!
- For certain, un-named people to fall off the face of the earth
- "For Liz, John, Erik, and basically all of Mike's friends, to settle down with someone" -- Thanks Col!!!
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