Calling all Shooter girls

I came across an interesting article yesterday. In it were numerous tips from bartenders on how to pick up women (since bartenders have seen and heard it all when it comes to this topic). This particular one stood out to me...

Look out for the Lemon Drop
"You can definitely spot the girls who are looking for a good time and want to flirt: They usually come in groups and line up at the bar versus at a table to make it easier for guys to talk to them. And if you see them drinking Lemon Drops — a yellowish liquid in a shot glass garnished with a lemon that's been dipped in sugar — it's a sure sign that these girls just wanna have fun! It's replaced the Cosmo as the drink of choice for the Sex and the City-type girls."

I have to say that I don't agree with this at all. The lemon drop, comprised of Absolut Citron a.k.a. the 'yellowish liquid,' is a great middle ground between the strong, 'manly' shots like tequila and the fruity, 'girly' shots like red-heated sluts. In my opinion, lemon-droppers are fun and flirty but aren't necessarily looking to be approached. Girls who are really looking for a 'good time' order shots like screaming orgasm, blue balls, blow job, cum in a bucket...you get the point. Kinda gives new meaning to the term, "sex sells," doesn't it?

Mid-Week WTF's

1. Weave saves woman's life -- WTF! This is something you'd see in the soap opera version of 8 Mile: Girl meets guy, girl dates guy, girl breaks up with guy, girl gets shot by guy, girl's weave stop's guy's bullet. And the screen behind the news anchor is hilarious...unbeWEAVEable...you guys over at Fox are so damn clever.

2. $8 beers at a sports arena-- WTF! You've probably heard this rant before, possibly even from me, but seriously, it's just ridiculous! If I wanted to pay that much for a beer, I would go to hell--cause that's what hell is to me--a place where one beer costs $8. Okay, that may be a little dramatic considering I have payed that much money for beer in the past and most likely will again in the future but that's just because I'm a raging alcoholic, not because I condone such behavior! Clearly the alcohol industry is recession proof...I'll drink to that!

3. Octo-Mom to star in porn -- WTF! How sexy is a single, weirdo mother of 14? About as sexy as a 500 lb. bearded lady with toenail fungus! Gross gross gross!!! Knowing her, she'll probably save some of her male co-stars' 'swimmies' to further grow her army of under-privileged children.

4. Topless coffee shop -- WTF! I just don't get it. Do people really want to be served their morning latte by a half-naked stranger? Scratch that question if you're a man because we all know the answer is YES. But let me pose another question: Do you really want to be serving scorching hot coffee wearing only enough to cover your goodies? Talk about a 'hot' mess if there happens to be any spillage. OUCH! Stick to what you're good at Maine--crab cakes and, well, umm, crab cakes.

Hottie of the Week

My vote for this week's hottie of the week goes to Sean Penn.

If his bad-ass broody boyish-in-a-grown-man-type good looks and equally bad-ass attempts to fend off the paparazzi weren't enough to earn the spot, his acceptance speech for best actor at last night's Oscars definitely clinched it. I nearly spit out my drink when he called the Academy "commie, homo-loving sons of guns." CLASSIC!

P.S. He also looks pretty sexy rockin' the all-black tux.

Mid-Week WTF's

1. The Jessica Simpson Weight Debate 2009 -- WTF! Remember Jessica's stint with reality tv? Does chickeny-tuna ring a bell? And how can anyone forget her response to Nick Lachey asking if she wanted buffalo wings: "Sorry, I don't eat buffalo." Nobody really cared back then when people were calling her a dumb blonde or an airhead, yet, a few comments about her putting on a few pounds and all hell breaks loose! Now, before I go on, I want to state my opinion that Jessica Simpson is, in no way, shape, or form, fat. But girl needs to stay out of this outfit!

Ain't nothing wrong with having boobs, hips and a booty--just ask any man--but her 'lady curves' are bustin' out all over the place. As the age-old saying goes, 'dress for your body,' and Jessica's body is screaming for a new pair of pants...and to burn that belt!

2. Fortune cookies -- WTF! As an avid Chinese food eater, I have to say that I have become increasingly disappointed with the caliber of fortunes that are being handed out these days. Fortune cookies used to be a fun little perk at the end of a ridiculously fat, sodium, and msg filled meal; now, they're all philosophical and thought provoking. What's up with that? And, to make matters worse, some fortunes are not even gender neutral anymore! I got one a while back that said, "You and your wife will be very happy together." Umm, do these Chinese folk know something I don't because, last I checked, I wasn't gay! Please bring back the feel-good fortunes of old...and for the love of men (that would be my love of men), please stop trying to change people's sexual orientation.

3. Woman goes berserk in airport -- WTF! I think the clip below speaks for itself but in case it doesn't, I have decided to add in my own subtitles at the bottom...



Translation: AHHHH! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I MISSED MY FLIGHT?! THIS CANNOT BE...I MUST GET HOME SO THAT I MAY SERVICE MY HUSBAND AHHH! IF YOU DO NOT GET ME ON A PLANE RIGHT NOW I WILL TAKE MY TANTRUM TO NEW HEIGHTS AHHHHHH! I WISH THERE WAS SOMEONE WITH A CAMERA HERE SO THAT I COULD SMASH IT LIKE KANYE WEST AHHHHHHHHH! SO I REALLY MISSED MY FLIGHT?!! THEN I WILL THROW MYSELF TO THE FLOOR AND CONTINUE THIS PSYCHOTIC MELTDOWN UNTIL THE NEXT AVAILABLE FLIGHT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Chicken Soup for the Single Soul

Love is in the air...everywhere you look, there are candy hearts, teddy bears, flowers and heart-shaped balloons...it's Valentine's Day! Some of you are overjoyed and just plain giddy at the thought of spending this holiday (and I use the term very, very loosely) with that special someone. Some of you others may be plotting some kind of Chinese torture filled revenge against that diaper-wearing flamer known as Cupid.

But no matter what your relationship status, you should always remember that we have all been, at one point or another, in the same boat--we've all been on that wild ride to find the perfect mate. (Footnote: For some of us, that ride has been more turbulent than others)

Thus, in light of V-day, I have opted to share with you a story, an UN-love story if you will, to remind the happily coupled ones out there to be thankful for what they have and to remind the singletons that it could always be worse. So, un-singles, put down the 5 pound box of chocolates, and singles, please put away the scissors, and enjoy the story...

It was roughly about a year ago. I was single (gee, there's a shocker). I was on Facebook one day and noticed that this guy had labeled me as "hot" in one of those stupid applications that I no longer participate in due to the trauma of this series of unfortunate events!!!! But let me not get ahead of myself...

So, I saw that he labeled me as "hot" and he looked fairly good-looking himself, especially since he was shirtless and had a six-pack in the pic. I decided to return the response that he was "hot" and left it at that. A few days later, he had messaged me via Facebook asking if I wanted to chat via phone or maybe AIM. Well, I'm no crazy but I was a bit curious so I took the safer route and gave him my screen name. We chatted for a few days online and he seemed rather interesting so I gave him my phone number. After about a week of phone conversations, I had gathered that this chap, a Rutgers grad-student, was smart, nice, and possibly worth getting to know better. Therefore, when he asked if I wanted to have dinner with him the following Saturday night, I agreed.

I offered to meet him half-way between New Brunswick and Kearny because I definitely was not going to have him pick me up (like I said, I'm no crazy). The place he picked out was a very nice restaurant but, unfortunately, the location was terrible and I soon found myself in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Date from hell begins.

I was getting annoyed--I have severe road rage for those of you who don't know--and it was getting to the point where I almost didn't want to go on the date anymore at all. My phone calls with Facebook dude (from here on out I'm going to refer to him as 'FD') during all this traffic were not helping any either. I finally arrived at the restaurant and FD said he was still maybe 20 minutes away which was not making me very happy, especially when I saw that the parking lot was completely full. Driving through the parking lot, I figured that this place was packed and we would have to wait a while to even get a table since FD had failed to make a reservation--strike 1! The thought of having to wait there and make conversation before even getting a table made me extremely uncomfortable so I made a split decision to exit the parking lot and continue down the road.

I called FD and told him that I had gone in the restaurant and the hostess told me the wait was going to be about an hour (ok, so I lied about actually going in the restaurant but seriously I was not in the mood). I said that I had left the parking lot and continued driving to find somewhere else to eat since it was already getting late. As I drove and noticed that there were no other places to eat in the direction that I was heading, I decided to make a U-turn. At this point, FD called me to inform me that he was sitting at a table in the restaurant that he had picked out (oh shit, I was caught). I made up some BS about how the hostess lied to me and I added in, "Ugh, what a bitch!" for dramatic effect. After deciding that it would be pointless for me to make another U-turn and get stuck in the massive traffic again, I pulled over at this cutesy little pub/restaurant on 'my side' of the road and waited for FD to arrive.

When he finally got there about 15 minutes later, I was, for lack of a better word, shocked. He looked nothing like he did in his pic--strike 2. Or maybe he took the pic so far away that the only thing that could clearly be made out were his abs...but either way, I wasn't feeling it. Whatever, I'm not that shallow so I decided to drop the fact that his facebook profile was what we in the marketing world call false advertising (and I'll take back that strike because there's plenty more to come).

Have you ever been out somewhere and spotted two people who were so obviously on a first date, all awkward and un-fun? That was us...or at least me. The guy would not stop talking about himself! Honestly, the whole time he did not ask a single question about me--strike 2. Where had the sweet guy from the phone calls who actually let me speak gone? And in his ongoing self-obsessed rant, he almost managed to make me feel bad about myself because while he was off at grad school, I was having a life and having fun with my friends and going out partying--strike 3. Now I say almost because I will never feel bad about my lifestyle and I'll never apologize for it--after all, Johnny Walker is the best boyfriend a girl could ask for!

Needless to say, the check couldn't have come soon enough! Normally, I would do the typical 'wallet reach' girl maneuver but FD had been so insistent on the phone the day before that he never allows the girl to pay on a date so I made a point to not even try. He took the check and then started shuffling about his pockets and such at which point he said, "Oh no, I think I forgot my wallet at home." WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! F%@#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN WE SAY STRIKE 4! Guess who had to foot the bill--yours truly of course! What made it worse was the fact that 3/4 of the bill was his stupid appetizer and steak dinner...and let's not forget the million sodas he had!

As if none of this was bad enough, the moron had the nerve to try and kiss me--strike 5. I should give him 3 strikes for this bonehead move alone. I mean, the kid must be missing some serious brain neurons if he thought that my lips were going anywhere near his after this spectacle of a date. He's lucky my knee didn't go anywhere near his crotch! Hell, with 5 strikes, he's lucky I didn't run his ass over!

Suffice to say, this was the first and last time I ever met anyone online. This was definitely a WTF if I ever saw one.

The end. I hope you have all learned the valuable lessons I set out to teach with this UN-love story. Have a Happy Valentine's Day! <3>

Mid-Week WTF's

1. Chris Brown beats up Rihanna -- WTF! Say it ain't So Chris? Why would you jeopardize your sponsorship with Doublemint gum (oh, and your music career) just to slap your girlfriend around a little bit? Where did you learn this violence...it was during your stint on the O.C. wasn't it? I knew guys named Chris were trouble but DAMN! OMG wait...does this mean I have to stop liking his song "Forever?"

2. A-Rod and Michael Phelps being crucified for their 'indiscretions' -- WTF! So this is the second week in a row that I'm defending Alex Rodriguez...you'd almost think that I actually like the guy! But seriously, A-Rod did steroids in 2003...so did a hundred other guys in Major League Baseball...literally! And 2003 was sooo 6 years ago! And poor Michael Phelps is just trying to have a good time after winning a record-breaking 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics...sorry for partying! He's not a monk for crying out loud; he's a 23 year old idiot (like 99% of guys) who just happens to have amazing abs and fins for feet. I feel like the media is turning these stories into a 2009 version of the Salem Witch Trials. Why don't we just hang them or burn them at the stake?

3. Salma Hayek breastfeeds another woman's baby -- WTF! Ok, so she did it because the mother had no milk but it's still kind of creepy! Couldn't she have just pumped it into a bottle and then fed him? I mean, it's not like this kid is the first to not get milk fresh out of the boob...and what is this poor kid going to do now that he's had a taste of Salma's 'goodies?' Salma--you give new meaning to the word 'TEASE!'

4. Valentine's Day -- WTF! That's it. Cupid sucks. Who wants to get hit by an arrow by some creepy, diaper-wearing doofus anyway?!

Ok, I'm done, 'cause I drank one too many margaritas at lunch and am about ready to pass out!

Mid-Week WTF's

1. Guys who fall off the face of the earth and then randomly call/text you months later--WTF! The worst part is that said guys act so nonchalant as if we (girls/women) will miraculously have amnesia to the fact that they neglected to attempt to get in touch with us for such a long period of time! I've said it time and time again--they always come back--and it's true; yet, it never seizes to amaze me when guys pull a stunt like this. Ladies: If you choose to give the poor fool a second chance (and I'm not against the idea), make sure you torture the hell out of him first! :)

Speaking of the stupidity that is the male species...

2. Joe Torre's book about the Yankees--WTF? In the book, he calls Alex Rodriguez--one of the best baseball players ever (albeit a cocky, ass of a man that has choked for the Yanks in pressure situations)--"A-Fraud." Joe, seriously, what are you, like 12? Now he's saying that it's an inside joke but even if that's true, what happened to the motto, 'what goes on in the clubhouse, stays in the clubhouse.' I should thank Joe for supporting my notion that professional athletes are men who don't want to grow up!

3. Catfight alert: Hillary Duff vs...Faye Dunaway--WTF?! So, apparently, a Bonnie & Clyde remake is in the works for 2010 and Duff is set to play Bonnie. This role originally belonged to Dunaway and she was none too pleased to hear who her successor would be. Dunaway's response to the news was something along the lines of "I thought they'd at least get a real actress." Hillary, of course, is pissed by this comment (and rightfully so...I mean, I can only imagine the level of acting skill needed to play Lizzie McGuire). Not quite sure I can see Hil as the bad girl bank robber but what do I know. After all, her retort, "I might be mad if I looked like that now too," is so bad-ass that Dunaway must be shakin' in her nylons!

4. Woman gives birth to octuplets after already having six children--WTF! Her mother thinks that she's obsessed with having babies because she was an only child. Now, I can understand wanting to have more than one child because only children are weird (sorry to any of you reading this who are one but, seriously, case in point)...but fourteen children! How is she going to afford that? And let's not forget that kids don't just take care of themselves (Angie and Brad probably have a whole army just to help them take care of their worldly bunch). Did this woman wake up one morning and think: let me compensate for my lonely childhood by having tons of kids that will, no doubt, have a crappy life because I can't support them? And what doctor in their right mind would fertilize a single, already-mother-of-six that doesn't even have a job?!?! SERENITY NOW!!!

I'd like to end this segment with an anti-wtf--my all-time favorite NY Ranger, Adam Graves, was honored last night at MSG with the retirement of his jersey, #9. Oh how I've missed this bloodied, toothless face...

There's Always Next Year...

I'm going to wrap up my Superbowl-themed posts with a quick rundown of yesterday's extravaganza:

Jennifer Hudson's rendition of our national anthem -- great!
Bruce's half-time show -- great (and I'm not just saying that cause he's from Jersey)!
Second half of the game -- great (even though the Cardinals lost)!
Superbowl commercials -- NOT so great!

Overall, I was really disappointed with the level of un-funny that were the Superbowl commercials. Bud, in particular, was disappointing to me because they have always come up with some clever ads. Remember the Bud-weis-er frogs? Or, more recently, this one:



Hopefully, next year, they drop the horses and redeem themselves.

Amidst all the horrific commercials, however, were a few noteworthy bits. I enjoyed the E*Trade ad--I appreciated the cute black baby they brought into the mix and, if the fact that he just randomly broke out into song wasn't funny enough, he busted out Tupac's 'Broken Wings' which, for some reason, just made it that much funnier for me. Doritos to me had the two best commercials of the night and I have given top honors to this one that actually had me laughing out loud:



So that's that...one more Superbowl come and gone...anyone have any thoughts they'd like to share about the game, the commercials, etc.? I'd love to hear input from others...