Well, it's been about a month since my last post so I guess I should apologize for the hiatus but between my birthday, the beginning of summer, and my trip to Barcelona, I was feeling overwhelmed by happy thoughts and lacking inspiration, particularly in the WTF department. But, in the famous words of psycho Chucky doll, "I'm baaack!" Let the WTF's commence...
1. 72-year old woman trying to get pregnant -- WTF! She keeps trying and she keeps failing. Reason--she's a wrinkly old hag! There's a reason you're not producing any eggs lady!!! You should have thought about having babies when you were young enough to still chase after them without a walker! Why don't you just go ask Octo-Mom if you can borrow some of her kids until you kick the bucket which, by my watch, should be any day now.
2. Same named couple to wed -- WTF! Girl (Kelly Hildebrandt) finds boy (Kelly Hildebrandt) on Facebook. Girl and boy start talking/dating. Girl and boy get engaged. Sounds like an ill-plotted love story for dumb people if you ask me! First of all, I have very strong issues about Facebook as a dating source (read my Valentine's Day "Unlove Story" for details). Second, what girl in their right mind would marry a guy named Kelly?! Girl with guy's name = cute...guy with girl's name = lame and seriously immasculating! I give this marriage 6 months before Kelly (girl) gets bored and seeks out another Kelly Hildebrandt on Facebook. I can see the headline now: Kelly Hildenbrant (girl) divorces Kelly Hildenbrandt (boy) for lesbian lover Kelly Hildenbrandt (girl--sort of).
3. Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson again -- WTF! My WTF is not to the actual fact that they broke up because, let's face it, there's only so much chickeny tuna a dude can put up with. Rather, it's his plan of action in the matter that merits this WTF. He did it right before her birthday--c'mon Tony, it's been done! At least have the decency to come up with an original d-bag way to dump the broad. You could have had a sky-writer write the words, "Yo bitch, we're done!" or put a message up on the jumbotron at the Dallas Cowboys opening game saying, "It's been fun but I need to get my game back or I'll get fired!" You could even have sent her a break-up card from my wonderful collection of greeting cards, "Hate Cards by Liz!" (and yes, these cards do exist). For shame Tony Romo!
4. Working on Mondays -- WTF! What could be worse? How about having to get to work at 8am on a Monday!!! Seriously, who came up with this 5 day work week? The weekday to weekend ratio is completely screwed up! Should anybody wish to support my bid for President of the United States, I would abolish this blasphemous rule and impose a 3 day weekend every week effective immediately upon my inauguration!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Get Your Castanets Ready...
The week after one's birthday is supposed to be a recovery period, a time to sleep and detox. But, as fate would have it, the week after my birthday has always brought a celebration of such epic proportions that it consumes a whole weekend and an entire city in good ole Dirty Jerz--alas, it is the Portuguese Feast in Newark! And though one of our most famed people, Christiano Ronaldo, was recently spotted "canoodling" with Paris Hilton, confirming the fact that there really is no accounting for taste, it is still a damn good time to be Portuguese!
Here's what you can expect this weekend (100% based on things that have actually happened in the past):
Now, doesn't that sound like the best damn time EVER! I thought so!! So, whether you're actually Portuguese or just pretending to be (which is completely understandable cause we're so awesome), come to Newark this weekend, enjoy a bucket--or 5--and party it up hardcore. Remember--what happens at the Portuguese feast STAYS at the Portuguese feast!
Viva Portugal! Boa noite e boa sorte!
Here's what you can expect this weekend (100% based on things that have actually happened in the past):
- Girls dancing on tables
- Crazy drunk men dancing on tables
- People drinking off the tables
- Impossibly large buckets of sangria for personal consumption (available in red, white, and now, blue)
- Men inappropriately touching women, much to their dissatisfaction
- Women inappropriately touching men, much to their complete satisfaction
- People suffocating in other people's hair as they walk down the ridiculously crowded Ferry Street
- Scandalous run-ins with the EX
- Some of the best damn bbq chicken you will ever get your hands and mouth on
- An array of mediocre Portuguese bands (trust me, you'll be too drunk to realize the mediocrity)
- Random fights and the occasional stabbing (I swear it's safe though!)
- Running from the cops with aforementioned sangria buckets trying to suck out every last drop before being kicked off the premises
- Your friend leaving you to walk home with a random gay stranger who looks like Sanjaya from American Idol who ends up sleeping at your house and scaring the be-jesus out of your parents in the morning!
Viva Portugal! Boa noite e boa sorte!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
A Birthday Story
Twenty-five years ago today, an extremely drunk stork dropped in to bless the Borges clan with a beautiful baby girl…a miracle if you will. Ok, honestly speaking, she was the hairiest little monkey baby you’ll ever see, but, cute nonetheless. Anywayyyy—though her parents thought to bestow this girl with horrific names like Stephanie and Filomena, they opted for something different. A name fit for a queen.
And she was a queen alright—a drama queen!
At the age of four, the little girl found herself betrothed to a Catholic School boy, a boy she thought repulsive and unworthy of her love. Rebelling against this “arranged marriage,” she vowed to kick boys in the shins, use them only for her own personal agenda and never EVER commit for as long as she lived...or until Patrick Swayze ‘dirty danced’ into her heart!
The years passed and the girl grew. Oh boy did she grow—the girl could not put down a bag of chips to save her life—but she was happy! A charming girl she was: funny, smart, sweet, talented, and modest of course! A girly girl on the outside and a tom boy at heart, she had many friends, girls and boys alike.
Still more years went by and the little girl had grown into a young woman. Going to school, spending time with her friends and family, and driving around in her carriage, The Lil Pimper, she was living the good life. Though her commitment phobia grew along with her as she kept her pre-school promise, she did not shy away from the boys. In fact, she loved boys and the boys looooved her!
The girl often found herself in all sorts of trouble—underage drinking, speeding, failing to yield to an emergency vehicle, to name a few. Wild child as she was, she gave her parents quite a bit of grief at times but they still gave her everything she could ever want…except a Ferrari that is.
Oh how the time has flown! After what seemed like a lifetime of education, the girl, now a woman, graduated college and was sentenced to an actual lifetime of slavery to “The Man.” Living in her Quincy Palace, she still lives a rather charmed life or, at least, a drunk one. The girl still holds onto a semblance of her childhood theory against commitment but, after kissing many, MANY frogs, feels that she may one day be ready for her Prince…definitely not any day soon of course!
Twenty-five years old and she stills feels as young as ever. She’s looking pretty damn hot too! Always a girl at heart, she looks forward to the next 25 years and every adventure—or misadventure as the case may be—that life has to offer.
The End.
P.S. That story was abo
ut me in case you hadn't guessed! :)
And she was a queen alright—a drama queen!
At the age of four, the little girl found herself betrothed to a Catholic School boy, a boy she thought repulsive and unworthy of her love. Rebelling against this “arranged marriage,” she vowed to kick boys in the shins, use them only for her own personal agenda and never EVER commit for as long as she lived...or until Patrick Swayze ‘dirty danced’ into her heart!
The years passed and the girl grew. Oh boy did she grow—the girl could not put down a bag of chips to save her life—but she was happy! A charming girl she was: funny, smart, sweet, talented, and modest of course! A girly girl on the outside and a tom boy at heart, she had many friends, girls and boys alike.
Still more years went by and the little girl had grown into a young woman. Going to school, spending time with her friends and family, and driving around in her carriage, The Lil Pimper, she was living the good life. Though her commitment phobia grew along with her as she kept her pre-school promise, she did not shy away from the boys. In fact, she loved boys and the boys looooved her!
The girl often found herself in all sorts of trouble—underage drinking, speeding, failing to yield to an emergency vehicle, to name a few. Wild child as she was, she gave her parents quite a bit of grief at times but they still gave her everything she could ever want…except a Ferrari that is.
Oh how the time has flown! After what seemed like a lifetime of education, the girl, now a woman, graduated college and was sentenced to an actual lifetime of slavery to “The Man.” Living in her Quincy Palace, she still lives a rather charmed life or, at least, a drunk one. The girl still holds onto a semblance of her childhood theory against commitment but, after kissing many, MANY frogs, feels that she may one day be ready for her Prince…definitely not any day soon of course!
Twenty-five years old and she stills feels as young as ever. She’s looking pretty damn hot too! Always a girl at heart, she looks forward to the next 25 years and every adventure—or misadventure as the case may be—that life has to offer.
The End.
P.S. That story was abo
ut me in case you hadn't guessed! :)Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
1. Shawn Johnson wins Dancing with the Stars -- WTF! It's no secret that I am in love (or serious lust) with that hunk of French goodness, Gilles Marini, so you can imagine how pissed I am that he didn't win. Sure, Shawn is cute (in that teenage chipmunk looking way) but her booty--I mean 'derriere'--shaking skills were nowhere close to Gilles'; it's like comparing Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance to Elaine from Seinfeld!!! I guess I should just be happy that stupid Bachelor reject Melissa "glitter up my tramp stamp" Rycroft didn't win. Unless they announced that she was the winner and then took it back the next day on live television...cause that would be pretty damn hilarious!
2. GPS Satellites could break down by 2010 -- WTF! Are you telling me that my dear wonderful "Charles" may not be able to accurately guide my direction-impaired ass around the country next year? I mean, I know that I don't always listen to him...and I don't always pay attention to him at all but STILL. If they don't get these GPS satellites updated asap, there is going to be a lot of angry, lost people out there and I'm one of them. How else will I get myself out of trouble after unsuccessfully trying to create a new shortcut? Or when I'm so busy talking that I completely miss an exit? Or when I'm too busy singing/dancing in the car that I, again, completely miss an exit? Don't leave me Charles!!!
3. Jessica Biel thinks being pretty is a problem -- WTF! Boo f@%#in' hoo!!! You're hot, you have money and a sexy boyfriend who is this generation's Michael Jackson without the strange little boy obsession. To quote one of my favorite movies, Wedding Crashers, "Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems. Jackass." Well said Vince Vaughn!
4. Woman beat up over asparagus -- WTF! Apparently the buyer thought the asparagus was very over-priced. Hey, dude, I understand your affliction...I can't tell you how badly I wanted to punch the fruit guy outside my office when he told me the price for a banana went up to 50 cents! But, alas, cooler heads prevailed and I parted ways with my two beautiful, shiny quarters. Next time, you just tell that asparagus nazi to take her pricey smelly-pee-inducing vegetable and shove it...then proceed on your merry way!
5. NYC men and their foot fetishes -- WTF! Last summer, I had a man come up to me at Columbus Circle asking me if he could take pictures of my feet. Now, just a few days ago, I'm walking to the post office and this hotel doorman shouts, "Wow cute toes!" as I'm passing by him. Gross gross gross!!! This is just not normal conversation for complete strangers! Would you just go up to a random stranger and tell them that you like to be handcuffed and gagged? I don't think so (I truly hope not anyway). Same principle. Ok then, let this be a lesson to all the men out there that feet should not be brought into a conversation for a good while. Want to compliment a girl, why don't you start off with something simple like her eyes or smile. Foot obsessions come much later!
2. GPS Satellites could break down by 2010 -- WTF! Are you telling me that my dear wonderful "Charles" may not be able to accurately guide my direction-impaired ass around the country next year? I mean, I know that I don't always listen to him...and I don't always pay attention to him at all but STILL. If they don't get these GPS satellites updated asap, there is going to be a lot of angry, lost people out there and I'm one of them. How else will I get myself out of trouble after unsuccessfully trying to create a new shortcut? Or when I'm so busy talking that I completely miss an exit? Or when I'm too busy singing/dancing in the car that I, again, completely miss an exit? Don't leave me Charles!!!
3. Jessica Biel thinks being pretty is a problem -- WTF! Boo f@%#in' hoo!!! You're hot, you have money and a sexy boyfriend who is this generation's Michael Jackson without the strange little boy obsession. To quote one of my favorite movies, Wedding Crashers, "Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems. Jackass." Well said Vince Vaughn!
4. Woman beat up over asparagus -- WTF! Apparently the buyer thought the asparagus was very over-priced. Hey, dude, I understand your affliction...I can't tell you how badly I wanted to punch the fruit guy outside my office when he told me the price for a banana went up to 50 cents! But, alas, cooler heads prevailed and I parted ways with my two beautiful, shiny quarters. Next time, you just tell that asparagus nazi to take her pricey smelly-pee-inducing vegetable and shove it...then proceed on your merry way!
5. NYC men and their foot fetishes -- WTF! Last summer, I had a man come up to me at Columbus Circle asking me if he could take pictures of my feet. Now, just a few days ago, I'm walking to the post office and this hotel doorman shouts, "Wow cute toes!" as I'm passing by him. Gross gross gross!!! This is just not normal conversation for complete strangers! Would you just go up to a random stranger and tell them that you like to be handcuffed and gagged? I don't think so (I truly hope not anyway). Same principle. Ok then, let this be a lesson to all the men out there that feet should not be brought into a conversation for a good while. Want to compliment a girl, why don't you start off with something simple like her eyes or smile. Foot obsessions come much later!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
It's Thirsty Thursday everyone so congratulations for making it through most of the work week without poking your eyes out--and I'm assuming that none of you actually tried to do that! Anywayyy, on to the WTF's...
1. Cliffhangers -- WTF! Isn't it bad enough that our favorite shows take us down tumultuous paths of hook-ups, break-ups, death scares, pregnancy scares, etc.? Do we really have to be left with three months of uncertainty about our beloved characters? Will Izzie die (the Grey's finale hasn't even aired yet but I'm already anticipating a long summer of pondering that one)? Will those crazy kids, Booth and Brennan, ever admit their love for one another? And will those "Lost" people ever be found?! I can't take it, the suspense is killing me...
2. Jon cheats on Kate; Kate cheats on Jon -- WTF! Jon and Kate who? No, seriously! Why do we even care about these people. They're not ridiculously pretty or heinously un-pretty...they're just average Joe's. So why do we care? That's just not our style. Speaking of style, what's with that woman Kate's 'Posh' haircut. She does not have the attitude or silicone enhancements to support such a 'do. Ohh and one more thing--having 8 children does not make you good television...it makes you Octo-parents!
3. Higher excise tax on alcohol -- WTF! Nooooo don't do it! I would like to continue to ride out the recession in a drunken oblivion with no regard for consequence please! God, the government's such a buzz kill!
4. Not having enough blog time -- WTF! As you've probably noticed, I've been slacking hardcore on my blog entries and the reason for this is simple...work is riding my ass and I barely have enough time to collect a thought let alone write about it. How dare people give me assignments that distract me from what's really important! Damn the man for cutting in on my blog time! DAMN. THE. MAN.
On that note, I'm signing off on this post because The Man's got me down again...talk to ya next week! Hopefully!
1. Cliffhangers -- WTF! Isn't it bad enough that our favorite shows take us down tumultuous paths of hook-ups, break-ups, death scares, pregnancy scares, etc.? Do we really have to be left with three months of uncertainty about our beloved characters? Will Izzie die (the Grey's finale hasn't even aired yet but I'm already anticipating a long summer of pondering that one)? Will those crazy kids, Booth and Brennan, ever admit their love for one another? And will those "Lost" people ever be found?! I can't take it, the suspense is killing me...
2. Jon cheats on Kate; Kate cheats on Jon -- WTF! Jon and Kate who? No, seriously! Why do we even care about these people. They're not ridiculously pretty or heinously un-pretty...they're just average Joe's. So why do we care? That's just not our style. Speaking of style, what's with that woman Kate's 'Posh' haircut. She does not have the attitude or silicone enhancements to support such a 'do. Ohh and one more thing--having 8 children does not make you good television...it makes you Octo-parents!
3. Higher excise tax on alcohol -- WTF! Nooooo don't do it! I would like to continue to ride out the recession in a drunken oblivion with no regard for consequence please! God, the government's such a buzz kill!
4. Not having enough blog time -- WTF! As you've probably noticed, I've been slacking hardcore on my blog entries and the reason for this is simple...work is riding my ass and I barely have enough time to collect a thought let alone write about it. How dare people give me assignments that distract me from what's really important! Damn the man for cutting in on my blog time! DAMN. THE. MAN.
On that note, I'm signing off on this post because The Man's got me down again...talk to ya next week! Hopefully!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Seriously???
Here's a list of things that had/have me scratching my head thinking, "Seriously?!"
1. Yankees choke in all 3 games against the Red Sox. Seriously?
2. Baseball players stealing home. Seriously? (very much related to #1 BTW)
3. Rangers and Devils both blow it in the first round of playoffs. Seriously?
4. Britney Spears may be pregnant again. Seriously?
5. Miss California Organization paid for Carrie Prejean's breast implants. Seriously?
6. Octo-Mom: The Musical. Seriously?
7. Swine flu. Seriously?
8. People complain about there not being any pretzels in the office but can't walk their asses across the street to get more. Seriously?
9. My work building may or may not be on fire right now. Seriously?
10. Speaking of work--we actually have to work on Cinco de Mayo. Seriously?
I think I'm done but if you have any to add, please feel free to do so in the comments section.
P.S. The persistent guy from last week's mid-week WTF's did NOT get the hint! Seriously?!!
1. Yankees choke in all 3 games against the Red Sox. Seriously?
2. Baseball players stealing home. Seriously? (very much related to #1 BTW)
3. Rangers and Devils both blow it in the first round of playoffs. Seriously?
4. Britney Spears may be pregnant again. Seriously?
5. Miss California Organization paid for Carrie Prejean's breast implants. Seriously?
6. Octo-Mom: The Musical. Seriously?
7. Swine flu. Seriously?
8. People complain about there not being any pretzels in the office but can't walk their asses across the street to get more. Seriously?
9. My work building may or may not be on fire right now. Seriously?
10. Speaking of work--we actually have to work on Cinco de Mayo. Seriously?
I think I'm done but if you have any to add, please feel free to do so in the comments section.
P.S. The persistent guy from last week's mid-week WTF's did NOT get the hint! Seriously?!!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
1. Woman on Britain's Got Talent -- WTF! This particular WTF doesn't go out to the woman herself but to the overall reaction that people have had to her singing abilities. "Susan Boyle Shocks World" is one of many news headings I've come across...are you kidding? Someone playing one of Mozart's Symphonies with their toes--now that is shocking! Are people that lame and vein that they believe that only "pretty" people can sing? Have these people ever seen an opera...not like those ladies are cast for their good looks. And by the by, a guy I know that was very involved in theater once told me that "fat chicks can usually sing good." Non-male ass translation: Looks don't have anything to do with talent. Don't believe me? Just look at Paris Hilton.
2. Spencer Pratt wants to be Governor of California -- WTF! Umm seriously?! Just because Schwarzenegger did it, doesn't mean you can Spence! At least Arnold had some good movies and real fame to his name when he ran for office...what do you have? A D-list, fake D-cup wifey who has no brains and no talent (see above for correlation between beauty and talent) and one directing credit to your name (which was said talentless wifey's god-awful music video for an equally bad song). Stick to what you're good at Spence which is, umm, well, I guess nothing!
3. Kim Kardashian "tweets" about her sunburn -- WTF! She wanted to know what she should do about the burn...really? Grow a brain for one! I can't tell if people like this are just trying to get attention or are just genuinely that stupid but, either way, it's annoying. Stop being a dumbass, wear sunscreen, and if you do happen to do something like this again, have the common sense to go into hiding for a few days instead of publicizing your stupidity for everyone to see.
4. Guys thinking girls are "broken" for wanting to be single -- WTF!!!! I recently encountered this guy who was relentlessly trying to touch me and kiss me and get me to agree to go on a date with him. Well, I had no desire to do anything of the sort with him but wanted to be nice about it so I told him that I would rather just be friends and I wasn't really into the whole dating thing right now (which is true in his case). He proceeded with this: "I get it, you're broken. Some guy must have done a real number on you." WHAAAAAAAT! Why is it that when a guy is single it's because he's a big pimp that can't be held down but when a girl is single it's because some dude "broke" her. And why can't guys recognize a brush-off when it's smacking them in the face...I thought the "friends" bit was known all over the world as rejection line numero uno! Well, after all was said and done, I had to go the straight up, "Dude, I don't want to kiss you or go on a date with you...ever!" route (I think he finally got the hint--or maybe not--only time will tell as I will be seeing him this weekend at a party).
The lesson here: Don't try to be nice when rejecting a guy because it might come back to bite you on your "broken" ass.
2. Spencer Pratt wants to be Governor of California -- WTF! Umm seriously?! Just because Schwarzenegger did it, doesn't mean you can Spence! At least Arnold had some good movies and real fame to his name when he ran for office...what do you have? A D-list, fake D-cup wifey who has no brains and no talent (see above for correlation between beauty and talent) and one directing credit to your name (which was said talentless wifey's god-awful music video for an equally bad song). Stick to what you're good at Spence which is, umm, well, I guess nothing!
3. Kim Kardashian "tweets" about her sunburn -- WTF! She wanted to know what she should do about the burn...really? Grow a brain for one! I can't tell if people like this are just trying to get attention or are just genuinely that stupid but, either way, it's annoying. Stop being a dumbass, wear sunscreen, and if you do happen to do something like this again, have the common sense to go into hiding for a few days instead of publicizing your stupidity for everyone to see.
4. Guys thinking girls are "broken" for wanting to be single -- WTF!!!! I recently encountered this guy who was relentlessly trying to touch me and kiss me and get me to agree to go on a date with him. Well, I had no desire to do anything of the sort with him but wanted to be nice about it so I told him that I would rather just be friends and I wasn't really into the whole dating thing right now (which is true in his case). He proceeded with this: "I get it, you're broken. Some guy must have done a real number on you." WHAAAAAAAT! Why is it that when a guy is single it's because he's a big pimp that can't be held down but when a girl is single it's because some dude "broke" her. And why can't guys recognize a brush-off when it's smacking them in the face...I thought the "friends" bit was known all over the world as rejection line numero uno! Well, after all was said and done, I had to go the straight up, "Dude, I don't want to kiss you or go on a date with you...ever!" route (I think he finally got the hint--or maybe not--only time will tell as I will be seeing him this weekend at a party).
The lesson here: Don't try to be nice when rejecting a guy because it might come back to bite you on your "broken" ass.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
