Mid-Week WTF's

1. Shawn Johnson wins Dancing with the Stars -- WTF! It's no secret that I am in love (or serious lust) with that hunk of French goodness, Gilles Marini, so you can imagine how pissed I am that he didn't win. Sure, Shawn is cute (in that teenage chipmunk looking way) but her booty--I mean 'derriere'--shaking skills were nowhere close to Gilles'; it's like comparing Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance to Elaine from Seinfeld!!! I guess I should just be happy that stupid Bachelor reject Melissa "glitter up my tramp stamp" Rycroft didn't win. Unless they announced that she was the winner and then took it back the next day on live television...cause that would be pretty damn hilarious!



2. GPS Satellites could break down by 2010 -- WTF! Are you telling me that my dear wonderful "Charles" may not be able to accurately guide my direction-impaired ass around the country next year? I mean, I know that I don't always listen to him...and I don't always pay attention to him at all but STILL. If they don't get these GPS satellites updated asap, there is going to be a lot of angry, lost people out there and I'm one of them. How else will I get myself out of trouble after unsuccessfully trying to create a new shortcut? Or when I'm so busy talking that I completely miss an exit? Or when I'm too busy singing/dancing in the car that I, again, completely miss an exit? Don't leave me Charles!!!

3. Jessica Biel thinks being pretty is a problem -- WTF! Boo f@%#in' hoo!!! You're hot, you have money and a sexy boyfriend who is this generation's Michael Jackson without the strange little boy obsession. To quote one of my favorite movies, Wedding Crashers, "Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems. Jackass." Well said Vince Vaughn!

4. Woman beat up over asparagus -- WTF! Apparently the buyer thought the asparagus was very over-priced. Hey, dude, I understand your affliction...I can't tell you how badly I wanted to punch the fruit guy outside my office when he told me the price for a banana went up to 50 cents! But, alas, cooler heads prevailed and I parted ways with my two beautiful, shiny quarters. Next time, you just tell that asparagus nazi to take her pricey smelly-pee-inducing vegetable and shove it...then proceed on your merry way!

5. NYC men and their foot fetishes -- WTF! Last summer, I had a man come up to me at Columbus Circle asking me if he could take pictures of my feet. Now, just a few days ago, I'm walking to the post office and this hotel doorman shouts, "Wow cute toes!" as I'm passing by him. Gross gross gross!!! This is just not normal conversation for complete strangers! Would you just go up to a random stranger and tell them that you like to be handcuffed and gagged? I don't think so (I truly hope not anyway). Same principle. Ok then, let this be a lesson to all the men out there that feet should not be brought into a conversation for a good while. Want to compliment a girl, why don't you start off with something simple like her eyes or smile. Foot obsessions come much later!