But no matter what your relationship status, you should always remember that we have all been, at one point or another, in the same boat--we've all been on that wild ride to find the perfect mate. (Footnote: For some of us, that ride has been more turbulent than others)
Thus, in light of V-day, I have opted to share with you a story, an UN-love story if you will, to remind the happily coupled ones out there to be thankful for what they have and to remind the singletons that it could always be worse. So, un-singles, put down the 5 pound box of chocolates, and singles, please put away the scissors, and enjoy the story...
It was roughly about a year ago. I was single (gee, there's a shocker). I was on Facebook one day and noticed that this guy had labeled me as "hot" in one of those stupid applications that I no longer participate in due to the trauma of this series of unfortunate events!!!! But let me not get ahead of myself...
So, I saw that he labeled me as "hot" and he looked fairly good-looking himself, especially since he was shirtless and had a six-pack in the pic. I decided to return the response that he was "hot" and left it at that. A few days later, he had messaged me via Facebook asking if I wanted to chat via phone or maybe AIM. Well, I'm no crazy but I was a bit curious so I took the safer route and gave him my screen name. We chatted for a few days online and he seemed rather interesting so I gave him my phone number. After about a week of phone conversations, I had gathered that this chap, a Rutgers grad-student, was smart, nice, and possibly worth getting to know better. Therefore, when he asked if I wanted to have dinner with him the following Saturday night, I agreed.
I offered to meet him half-way between New Brunswick and Kearny because I definitely was not going to have him pick me up (like I said, I'm no crazy). The place he picked out was a very nice restaurant but, unfortunately, the location was terrible and I soon found myself in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Date from hell begins.
I was getting annoyed--I have severe road rage for those of you who don't know--and it was getting to the point where I almost didn't want to go on the date anymore at all. My phone calls with Facebook dude (from here on out I'm going to refer to him as 'FD') during all this traffic were not helping any either. I finally arrived at the restaurant and FD said he was still maybe 20 minutes away which was not making me very happy, especially when I saw that the parking lot was completely full. Driving through the parking lot, I figured that this place was packed and we would have to wait a while to even get a table since FD had failed to make a reservation--strike 1! The thought of having to wait there and make conversation before even getting a table made me extremely uncomfortable so I made a split decision to exit the parking lot and continue down the road.
I called FD and told him that I had gone in the restaurant and the hostess told me the wait was going to be about an hour (ok, so I lied about actually going in the restaurant but seriously I was not in the mood). I said that I had left the parking lot and continued driving to find somewhere else to eat since it was already getting late. As I drove and noticed that there were no other places to eat in the direction that I was heading, I decided to make a U-turn. At this point, FD called me to inform me that he was sitting at a table in the restaurant that he had picked out (oh shit, I was caught). I made up some BS about how the hostess lied to me and I added in, "Ugh, what a bitch!" for dramatic effect. After deciding that it would be pointless for me to make another U-turn and get stuck in the massive traffic again, I pulled over at this cutesy little pub/restaurant on 'my side' of the road and waited for FD to arrive.
When he finally got there about 15 minutes later, I was, for lack of a better word, shocked. He looked nothing like he did in his pic--strike 2. Or maybe he took the pic so far away that the only thing that could clearly be made out were his abs...but either way, I wasn't feeling it. Whatever, I'm not that shallow so I decided to drop the fact that his facebook profile was what we in the marketing world call false advertising (and I'll take back that strike because there's plenty more to come).
Have you ever been out somewhere and spotted two people who were so obviously on a first date, all awkward and un-fun? That was us...or at least me. The guy would not stop talking about himself! Honestly, the whole time he did not ask a single question about me--strike 2. Where had the sweet guy from the phone calls who actually let me speak gone? And in his ongoing self-obsessed rant, he almost managed to make me feel bad about myself because while he was off at grad school, I was having a life and having fun with my friends and going out partying--strike 3. Now I say almost because I will never feel bad about my lifestyle and I'll never apologize for it--after all, Johnny Walker is the best boyfriend a girl could ask for!
Needless to say, the check couldn't have come soon enough! Normally, I would do the typical 'wallet reach' girl maneuver but FD had been so insistent on the phone the day before that he never allows the girl to pay on a date so I made a point to not even try. He took the check and then started shuffling about his pockets and such at which point he said, "Oh no, I think I forgot my wallet at home." WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! F%@#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN WE SAY STRIKE 4! Guess who had to foot the bill--yours truly of course! What made it worse was the fact that 3/4 of the bill was his stupid appetizer and steak dinner...and let's not forget the million sodas he had!
As if none of this was bad enough, the moron had the nerve to try and kiss me--strike 5. I should give him 3 strikes for this bonehead move alone. I mean, the kid must be missing some serious brain neurons if he thought that my lips were going anywhere near his after this spectacle of a date. He's lucky my knee didn't go anywhere near his crotch! Hell, with 5 strikes, he's lucky I didn't run his ass over!
Suffice to say, this was the first and last time I ever met anyone online. This was definitely a WTF if I ever saw one.
The end. I hope you have all learned the valuable lessons I set out to teach with this UN-love story. Have a Happy Valentine's Day! <3>
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