I just discovered this video of Hottie McHottie Channing Tatum dancing at a male revue for Chippendale's and all I gotta say is hummina hummina!
I knew the boy could dance but, damn, he is really steppin it up here, isn't he? MmM mMm break me off a piece of that! He can be the star of my liquid dream any day...
Ok, I'd really like to write more but I'm salivating all over my desk. Sweet dreams ladies!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
The Ugly Truth
I saw the movie "The Ugly Truth" yesterday and it got me thinking about the ugly truths I've learned about life, love and the battle of the sexes...
Ugly Truth #1 -- Women really are crazy! We can be petty, vicious, manipulative, and just plain scary sometimes. All women are at least acutely aware of the power we hold over men and yes, we do use it to get what we want. We stalk guys, we are famously known for our attacks against other females and we hold grudges like no other. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...thou hast no ideath!
Ugly Truth #2 -- Guys like the crazy no matter what they say! The crazier a girl is, the more of a hold she has over him. Whether this is some kind of masochistic-induced fetish, I'm not sure but, I bet the book, Why Men Love Bitches, could shed some light.
Ugly Truth #3 -- If a woman has not had sex for a long period of time, it's her own fault! Women can get laid, plain and simple! Guys are like un-neutered dogs--they will hump just about anything. If you're a woman and you're in a "drought" it's because you are too picky...in which case, kudos to you but it's your own damn fault!
Ugly Truth #4 -- Your college education is only buying you a better paid form of slavery! Like the age-old saying goes, they don't call it a job for nothing! You may be able to continue your social life with reckless abandon for a little while but, eventually, all fires burn out. Welcome to the real world!
Ugly Truth #5 -- Text messages have all but killed any chance of a story-book romance! Ever get the 2am, "What r u up to?" text? That's not love honey, that's a booty call! Where are the love letters? Where are the grand gestures and declarations of love. They've been replaced by messages we type into our phone, messages we are too lazy to even write in full. They've been replaced by "wanna meet up l8r?," "how u doin?" and the occasional "ilu" texts. Damn technology!
Ugly Truth #6 -- Men really do get better looking with age while women get worse looking! Wrinkles on a man mean experience, charm, and wisdom...wrinkles on a woman mean the old bag's been around the block and has got some severe wear and tear. It's a cruel world we live in!
Ugly Truth #7 -- When you reach a certain age, you really can't eat and drink whatever you want without gaining weight! Does the term "beer belly" mean anything to you? You know, it's that ginormous winter coat of fat keeping your abs warm...and hibernating all year round! Note of advice: Don't begin a love affair with food (and alcohol) unless you're prepared to endure a lifetime of relationship therapy with the gym!
Ugly Truth #8 -- All is fair in love and war! You've heard it many times...I'm saying it's 110% true! In war, we do what is necessary to survive. Well, love is a battlefield so man your station and prepare for bloodshed. It's about to get ugly...
Ugly Truth #1 -- Women really are crazy! We can be petty, vicious, manipulative, and just plain scary sometimes. All women are at least acutely aware of the power we hold over men and yes, we do use it to get what we want. We stalk guys, we are famously known for our attacks against other females and we hold grudges like no other. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...thou hast no ideath!
Ugly Truth #2 -- Guys like the crazy no matter what they say! The crazier a girl is, the more of a hold she has over him. Whether this is some kind of masochistic-induced fetish, I'm not sure but, I bet the book, Why Men Love Bitches, could shed some light.
Ugly Truth #3 -- If a woman has not had sex for a long period of time, it's her own fault! Women can get laid, plain and simple! Guys are like un-neutered dogs--they will hump just about anything. If you're a woman and you're in a "drought" it's because you are too picky...in which case, kudos to you but it's your own damn fault!
Ugly Truth #4 -- Your college education is only buying you a better paid form of slavery! Like the age-old saying goes, they don't call it a job for nothing! You may be able to continue your social life with reckless abandon for a little while but, eventually, all fires burn out. Welcome to the real world!
Ugly Truth #5 -- Text messages have all but killed any chance of a story-book romance! Ever get the 2am, "What r u up to?" text? That's not love honey, that's a booty call! Where are the love letters? Where are the grand gestures and declarations of love. They've been replaced by messages we type into our phone, messages we are too lazy to even write in full. They've been replaced by "wanna meet up l8r?," "how u doin?" and the occasional "ilu" texts. Damn technology!
Ugly Truth #6 -- Men really do get better looking with age while women get worse looking! Wrinkles on a man mean experience, charm, and wisdom...wrinkles on a woman mean the old bag's been around the block and has got some severe wear and tear. It's a cruel world we live in!
Ugly Truth #7 -- When you reach a certain age, you really can't eat and drink whatever you want without gaining weight! Does the term "beer belly" mean anything to you? You know, it's that ginormous winter coat of fat keeping your abs warm...and hibernating all year round! Note of advice: Don't begin a love affair with food (and alcohol) unless you're prepared to endure a lifetime of relationship therapy with the gym!
Ugly Truth #8 -- All is fair in love and war! You've heard it many times...I'm saying it's 110% true! In war, we do what is necessary to survive. Well, love is a battlefield so man your station and prepare for bloodshed. It's about to get ugly...
Friday, July 17, 2009
It may only be Monday but I've got some WTF in me!
Well, it's been about a month since my last post so I guess I should apologize for the hiatus but between my birthday, the beginning of summer, and my trip to Barcelona, I was feeling overwhelmed by happy thoughts and lacking inspiration, particularly in the WTF department. But, in the famous words of psycho Chucky doll, "I'm baaack!" Let the WTF's commence...
1. 72-year old woman trying to get pregnant -- WTF! She keeps trying and she keeps failing. Reason--she's a wrinkly old hag! There's a reason you're not producing any eggs lady!!! You should have thought about having babies when you were young enough to still chase after them without a walker! Why don't you just go ask Octo-Mom if you can borrow some of her kids until you kick the bucket which, by my watch, should be any day now.
2. Same named couple to wed -- WTF! Girl (Kelly Hildebrandt) finds boy (Kelly Hildebrandt) on Facebook. Girl and boy start talking/dating. Girl and boy get engaged. Sounds like an ill-plotted love story for dumb people if you ask me! First of all, I have very strong issues about Facebook as a dating source (read my Valentine's Day "Unlove Story" for details). Second, what girl in their right mind would marry a guy named Kelly?! Girl with guy's name = cute...guy with girl's name = lame and seriously immasculating! I give this marriage 6 months before Kelly (girl) gets bored and seeks out another Kelly Hildebrandt on Facebook. I can see the headline now: Kelly Hildenbrant (girl) divorces Kelly Hildenbrandt (boy) for lesbian lover Kelly Hildenbrandt (girl--sort of).
3. Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson again -- WTF! My WTF is not to the actual fact that they broke up because, let's face it, there's only so much chickeny tuna a dude can put up with. Rather, it's his plan of action in the matter that merits this WTF. He did it right before her birthday--c'mon Tony, it's been done! At least have the decency to come up with an original d-bag way to dump the broad. You could have had a sky-writer write the words, "Yo bitch, we're done!" or put a message up on the jumbotron at the Dallas Cowboys opening game saying, "It's been fun but I need to get my game back or I'll get fired!" You could even have sent her a break-up card from my wonderful collection of greeting cards, "Hate Cards by Liz!" (and yes, these cards do exist). For shame Tony Romo!
4. Working on Mondays -- WTF! What could be worse? How about having to get to work at 8am on a Monday!!! Seriously, who came up with this 5 day work week? The weekday to weekend ratio is completely screwed up! Should anybody wish to support my bid for President of the United States, I would abolish this blasphemous rule and impose a 3 day weekend every week effective immediately upon my inauguration!
1. 72-year old woman trying to get pregnant -- WTF! She keeps trying and she keeps failing. Reason--she's a wrinkly old hag! There's a reason you're not producing any eggs lady!!! You should have thought about having babies when you were young enough to still chase after them without a walker! Why don't you just go ask Octo-Mom if you can borrow some of her kids until you kick the bucket which, by my watch, should be any day now.
2. Same named couple to wed -- WTF! Girl (Kelly Hildebrandt) finds boy (Kelly Hildebrandt) on Facebook. Girl and boy start talking/dating. Girl and boy get engaged. Sounds like an ill-plotted love story for dumb people if you ask me! First of all, I have very strong issues about Facebook as a dating source (read my Valentine's Day "Unlove Story" for details). Second, what girl in their right mind would marry a guy named Kelly?! Girl with guy's name = cute...guy with girl's name = lame and seriously immasculating! I give this marriage 6 months before Kelly (girl) gets bored and seeks out another Kelly Hildebrandt on Facebook. I can see the headline now: Kelly Hildenbrant (girl) divorces Kelly Hildenbrandt (boy) for lesbian lover Kelly Hildenbrandt (girl--sort of).
3. Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson again -- WTF! My WTF is not to the actual fact that they broke up because, let's face it, there's only so much chickeny tuna a dude can put up with. Rather, it's his plan of action in the matter that merits this WTF. He did it right before her birthday--c'mon Tony, it's been done! At least have the decency to come up with an original d-bag way to dump the broad. You could have had a sky-writer write the words, "Yo bitch, we're done!" or put a message up on the jumbotron at the Dallas Cowboys opening game saying, "It's been fun but I need to get my game back or I'll get fired!" You could even have sent her a break-up card from my wonderful collection of greeting cards, "Hate Cards by Liz!" (and yes, these cards do exist). For shame Tony Romo!
4. Working on Mondays -- WTF! What could be worse? How about having to get to work at 8am on a Monday!!! Seriously, who came up with this 5 day work week? The weekday to weekend ratio is completely screwed up! Should anybody wish to support my bid for President of the United States, I would abolish this blasphemous rule and impose a 3 day weekend every week effective immediately upon my inauguration!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Get Your Castanets Ready...
The week after one's birthday is supposed to be a recovery period, a time to sleep and detox. But, as fate would have it, the week after my birthday has always brought a celebration of such epic proportions that it consumes a whole weekend and an entire city in good ole Dirty Jerz--alas, it is the Portuguese Feast in Newark! And though one of our most famed people, Christiano Ronaldo, was recently spotted "canoodling" with Paris Hilton, confirming the fact that there really is no accounting for taste, it is still a damn good time to be Portuguese!
Here's what you can expect this weekend (100% based on things that have actually happened in the past):
Now, doesn't that sound like the best damn time EVER! I thought so!! So, whether you're actually Portuguese or just pretending to be (which is completely understandable cause we're so awesome), come to Newark this weekend, enjoy a bucket--or 5--and party it up hardcore. Remember--what happens at the Portuguese feast STAYS at the Portuguese feast!
Viva Portugal! Boa noite e boa sorte!
Here's what you can expect this weekend (100% based on things that have actually happened in the past):
- Girls dancing on tables
- Crazy drunk men dancing on tables
- People drinking off the tables
- Impossibly large buckets of sangria for personal consumption (available in red, white, and now, blue)
- Men inappropriately touching women, much to their dissatisfaction
- Women inappropriately touching men, much to their complete satisfaction
- People suffocating in other people's hair as they walk down the ridiculously crowded Ferry Street
- Scandalous run-ins with the EX
- Some of the best damn bbq chicken you will ever get your hands and mouth on
- An array of mediocre Portuguese bands (trust me, you'll be too drunk to realize the mediocrity)
- Random fights and the occasional stabbing (I swear it's safe though!)
- Running from the cops with aforementioned sangria buckets trying to suck out every last drop before being kicked off the premises
- Your friend leaving you to walk home with a random gay stranger who looks like Sanjaya from American Idol who ends up sleeping at your house and scaring the be-jesus out of your parents in the morning!
Viva Portugal! Boa noite e boa sorte!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
A Birthday Story
Twenty-five years ago today, an extremely drunk stork dropped in to bless the Borges clan with a beautiful baby girl…a miracle if you will. Ok, honestly speaking, she was the hairiest little monkey baby you’ll ever see, but, cute nonetheless. Anywayyyy—though her parents thought to bestow this girl with horrific names like Stephanie and Filomena, they opted for something different. A name fit for a queen.
And she was a queen alright—a drama queen!
At the age of four, the little girl found herself betrothed to a Catholic School boy, a boy she thought repulsive and unworthy of her love. Rebelling against this “arranged marriage,” she vowed to kick boys in the shins, use them only for her own personal agenda and never EVER commit for as long as she lived...or until Patrick Swayze ‘dirty danced’ into her heart!
The years passed and the girl grew. Oh boy did she grow—the girl could not put down a bag of chips to save her life—but she was happy! A charming girl she was: funny, smart, sweet, talented, and modest of course! A girly girl on the outside and a tom boy at heart, she had many friends, girls and boys alike.
Still more years went by and the little girl had grown into a young woman. Going to school, spending time with her friends and family, and driving around in her carriage, The Lil Pimper, she was living the good life. Though her commitment phobia grew along with her as she kept her pre-school promise, she did not shy away from the boys. In fact, she loved boys and the boys looooved her!
The girl often found herself in all sorts of trouble—underage drinking, speeding, failing to yield to an emergency vehicle, to name a few. Wild child as she was, she gave her parents quite a bit of grief at times but they still gave her everything she could ever want…except a Ferrari that is.
Oh how the time has flown! After what seemed like a lifetime of education, the girl, now a woman, graduated college and was sentenced to an actual lifetime of slavery to “The Man.” Living in her Quincy Palace, she still lives a rather charmed life or, at least, a drunk one. The girl still holds onto a semblance of her childhood theory against commitment but, after kissing many, MANY frogs, feels that she may one day be ready for her Prince…definitely not any day soon of course!
Twenty-five years old and she stills feels as young as ever. She’s looking pretty damn hot too! Always a girl at heart, she looks forward to the next 25 years and every adventure—or misadventure as the case may be—that life has to offer.
The End.
P.S. That story was abo
ut me in case you hadn't guessed! :)
And she was a queen alright—a drama queen!
At the age of four, the little girl found herself betrothed to a Catholic School boy, a boy she thought repulsive and unworthy of her love. Rebelling against this “arranged marriage,” she vowed to kick boys in the shins, use them only for her own personal agenda and never EVER commit for as long as she lived...or until Patrick Swayze ‘dirty danced’ into her heart!
The years passed and the girl grew. Oh boy did she grow—the girl could not put down a bag of chips to save her life—but she was happy! A charming girl she was: funny, smart, sweet, talented, and modest of course! A girly girl on the outside and a tom boy at heart, she had many friends, girls and boys alike.
Still more years went by and the little girl had grown into a young woman. Going to school, spending time with her friends and family, and driving around in her carriage, The Lil Pimper, she was living the good life. Though her commitment phobia grew along with her as she kept her pre-school promise, she did not shy away from the boys. In fact, she loved boys and the boys looooved her!
The girl often found herself in all sorts of trouble—underage drinking, speeding, failing to yield to an emergency vehicle, to name a few. Wild child as she was, she gave her parents quite a bit of grief at times but they still gave her everything she could ever want…except a Ferrari that is.
Oh how the time has flown! After what seemed like a lifetime of education, the girl, now a woman, graduated college and was sentenced to an actual lifetime of slavery to “The Man.” Living in her Quincy Palace, she still lives a rather charmed life or, at least, a drunk one. The girl still holds onto a semblance of her childhood theory against commitment but, after kissing many, MANY frogs, feels that she may one day be ready for her Prince…definitely not any day soon of course!
Twenty-five years old and she stills feels as young as ever. She’s looking pretty damn hot too! Always a girl at heart, she looks forward to the next 25 years and every adventure—or misadventure as the case may be—that life has to offer.
The End.
P.S. That story was abo
ut me in case you hadn't guessed! :)Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
1. Shawn Johnson wins Dancing with the Stars -- WTF! It's no secret that I am in love (or serious lust) with that hunk of French goodness, Gilles Marini, so you can imagine how pissed I am that he didn't win. Sure, Shawn is cute (in that teenage chipmunk looking way) but her booty--I mean 'derriere'--shaking skills were nowhere close to Gilles'; it's like comparing Michael Flatley Lord of the Dance to Elaine from Seinfeld!!! I guess I should just be happy that stupid Bachelor reject Melissa "glitter up my tramp stamp" Rycroft didn't win. Unless they announced that she was the winner and then took it back the next day on live television...cause that would be pretty damn hilarious!
2. GPS Satellites could break down by 2010 -- WTF! Are you telling me that my dear wonderful "Charles" may not be able to accurately guide my direction-impaired ass around the country next year? I mean, I know that I don't always listen to him...and I don't always pay attention to him at all but STILL. If they don't get these GPS satellites updated asap, there is going to be a lot of angry, lost people out there and I'm one of them. How else will I get myself out of trouble after unsuccessfully trying to create a new shortcut? Or when I'm so busy talking that I completely miss an exit? Or when I'm too busy singing/dancing in the car that I, again, completely miss an exit? Don't leave me Charles!!!
3. Jessica Biel thinks being pretty is a problem -- WTF! Boo f@%#in' hoo!!! You're hot, you have money and a sexy boyfriend who is this generation's Michael Jackson without the strange little boy obsession. To quote one of my favorite movies, Wedding Crashers, "Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems. Jackass." Well said Vince Vaughn!
4. Woman beat up over asparagus -- WTF! Apparently the buyer thought the asparagus was very over-priced. Hey, dude, I understand your affliction...I can't tell you how badly I wanted to punch the fruit guy outside my office when he told me the price for a banana went up to 50 cents! But, alas, cooler heads prevailed and I parted ways with my two beautiful, shiny quarters. Next time, you just tell that asparagus nazi to take her pricey smelly-pee-inducing vegetable and shove it...then proceed on your merry way!
5. NYC men and their foot fetishes -- WTF! Last summer, I had a man come up to me at Columbus Circle asking me if he could take pictures of my feet. Now, just a few days ago, I'm walking to the post office and this hotel doorman shouts, "Wow cute toes!" as I'm passing by him. Gross gross gross!!! This is just not normal conversation for complete strangers! Would you just go up to a random stranger and tell them that you like to be handcuffed and gagged? I don't think so (I truly hope not anyway). Same principle. Ok then, let this be a lesson to all the men out there that feet should not be brought into a conversation for a good while. Want to compliment a girl, why don't you start off with something simple like her eyes or smile. Foot obsessions come much later!
2. GPS Satellites could break down by 2010 -- WTF! Are you telling me that my dear wonderful "Charles" may not be able to accurately guide my direction-impaired ass around the country next year? I mean, I know that I don't always listen to him...and I don't always pay attention to him at all but STILL. If they don't get these GPS satellites updated asap, there is going to be a lot of angry, lost people out there and I'm one of them. How else will I get myself out of trouble after unsuccessfully trying to create a new shortcut? Or when I'm so busy talking that I completely miss an exit? Or when I'm too busy singing/dancing in the car that I, again, completely miss an exit? Don't leave me Charles!!!
3. Jessica Biel thinks being pretty is a problem -- WTF! Boo f@%#in' hoo!!! You're hot, you have money and a sexy boyfriend who is this generation's Michael Jackson without the strange little boy obsession. To quote one of my favorite movies, Wedding Crashers, "Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems. Jackass." Well said Vince Vaughn!
4. Woman beat up over asparagus -- WTF! Apparently the buyer thought the asparagus was very over-priced. Hey, dude, I understand your affliction...I can't tell you how badly I wanted to punch the fruit guy outside my office when he told me the price for a banana went up to 50 cents! But, alas, cooler heads prevailed and I parted ways with my two beautiful, shiny quarters. Next time, you just tell that asparagus nazi to take her pricey smelly-pee-inducing vegetable and shove it...then proceed on your merry way!
5. NYC men and their foot fetishes -- WTF! Last summer, I had a man come up to me at Columbus Circle asking me if he could take pictures of my feet. Now, just a few days ago, I'm walking to the post office and this hotel doorman shouts, "Wow cute toes!" as I'm passing by him. Gross gross gross!!! This is just not normal conversation for complete strangers! Would you just go up to a random stranger and tell them that you like to be handcuffed and gagged? I don't think so (I truly hope not anyway). Same principle. Ok then, let this be a lesson to all the men out there that feet should not be brought into a conversation for a good while. Want to compliment a girl, why don't you start off with something simple like her eyes or smile. Foot obsessions come much later!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Mid-Week WTF's
It's Thirsty Thursday everyone so congratulations for making it through most of the work week without poking your eyes out--and I'm assuming that none of you actually tried to do that! Anywayyy, on to the WTF's...
1. Cliffhangers -- WTF! Isn't it bad enough that our favorite shows take us down tumultuous paths of hook-ups, break-ups, death scares, pregnancy scares, etc.? Do we really have to be left with three months of uncertainty about our beloved characters? Will Izzie die (the Grey's finale hasn't even aired yet but I'm already anticipating a long summer of pondering that one)? Will those crazy kids, Booth and Brennan, ever admit their love for one another? And will those "Lost" people ever be found?! I can't take it, the suspense is killing me...
2. Jon cheats on Kate; Kate cheats on Jon -- WTF! Jon and Kate who? No, seriously! Why do we even care about these people. They're not ridiculously pretty or heinously un-pretty...they're just average Joe's. So why do we care? That's just not our style. Speaking of style, what's with that woman Kate's 'Posh' haircut. She does not have the attitude or silicone enhancements to support such a 'do. Ohh and one more thing--having 8 children does not make you good television...it makes you Octo-parents!
3. Higher excise tax on alcohol -- WTF! Nooooo don't do it! I would like to continue to ride out the recession in a drunken oblivion with no regard for consequence please! God, the government's such a buzz kill!
4. Not having enough blog time -- WTF! As you've probably noticed, I've been slacking hardcore on my blog entries and the reason for this is simple...work is riding my ass and I barely have enough time to collect a thought let alone write about it. How dare people give me assignments that distract me from what's really important! Damn the man for cutting in on my blog time! DAMN. THE. MAN.
On that note, I'm signing off on this post because The Man's got me down again...talk to ya next week! Hopefully!
1. Cliffhangers -- WTF! Isn't it bad enough that our favorite shows take us down tumultuous paths of hook-ups, break-ups, death scares, pregnancy scares, etc.? Do we really have to be left with three months of uncertainty about our beloved characters? Will Izzie die (the Grey's finale hasn't even aired yet but I'm already anticipating a long summer of pondering that one)? Will those crazy kids, Booth and Brennan, ever admit their love for one another? And will those "Lost" people ever be found?! I can't take it, the suspense is killing me...
2. Jon cheats on Kate; Kate cheats on Jon -- WTF! Jon and Kate who? No, seriously! Why do we even care about these people. They're not ridiculously pretty or heinously un-pretty...they're just average Joe's. So why do we care? That's just not our style. Speaking of style, what's with that woman Kate's 'Posh' haircut. She does not have the attitude or silicone enhancements to support such a 'do. Ohh and one more thing--having 8 children does not make you good television...it makes you Octo-parents!
3. Higher excise tax on alcohol -- WTF! Nooooo don't do it! I would like to continue to ride out the recession in a drunken oblivion with no regard for consequence please! God, the government's such a buzz kill!
4. Not having enough blog time -- WTF! As you've probably noticed, I've been slacking hardcore on my blog entries and the reason for this is simple...work is riding my ass and I barely have enough time to collect a thought let alone write about it. How dare people give me assignments that distract me from what's really important! Damn the man for cutting in on my blog time! DAMN. THE. MAN.
On that note, I'm signing off on this post because The Man's got me down again...talk to ya next week! Hopefully!
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