Hot damn kiddies, it's been too long since you last heard from me! Well, I've heard your cries for the return of the dirty dishin' and I'm hoping that I won't disappoint.
So what brings me out of blogging hibernation? Ricky Martin shakin his bon-bon all the way out of the closet, that's what! Color me shocked..with every color in the rainbow of course!
Maybe I'm crazy but I never bought into the speculation that he was gay. I mean, I guess there were signs--butt pads come to mind--but it still hurts. To quote Joan Cusack in In and Out, "IS EVERBODDYYY GAYYY?!!!!!"
All these years of lies Ricky! Was "Maria" really written about some pool boy named Mario?? And what about "She's All I Ever Had?" Maybe what you really meant to say was "She's the only woman I've ever had."
To say I'm distraught would be an understatement! When he came out (wrong choice of words) with the commercial exclaiming, "Come to my Puerto Rico," I dreamed. Oh how I fantasized about going to his Puerto Rico and livin the vida loca with him while he serenaded me with "She Bangs". I guess I won't be drinking from his cup of life anytime soon.
First Lance Bass...now Ricky! Who's next? Neil Patrick Harris. Oh wait...DOHHHHH!
Ahh well, here's a video from the good ol' days...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tales from the Underground: Volume 1
Reason to hate the subway #1: people singing out loud
Is it not bad enough that we are often subjected to hearing other people's music through their headphones? Is it really necessary for people to start singing or rapping along to the words?
Today, this guy was rapping to some garbage song with the repeated lyrics, "Shorty put it in." My first problem is with the song itself. Shorty put it in? Why don't you put it in you lazy ass SOB! Then there's the problem of the guy singing out loud for everyone to hear. Dude, don't mistake our $2.25 subway fare for admission to your concert. You're not going to get discovered while annoying people on their A.M. commute so just give it a rest Kanye!
This being mass transit in New York City, it's not the first time something like this has happened but it never seems to piss me off any less. I just don't get whether these people are oblivious to the fact that they're being rude or whether they actually get off on knowing they're irritating everyone around them. I'm guessing the latter.
I wonder, in such an instance as this morning, if you could plead temporary insanity for stapling someone's mouth shut...
Is it not bad enough that we are often subjected to hearing other people's music through their headphones? Is it really necessary for people to start singing or rapping along to the words?
Today, this guy was rapping to some garbage song with the repeated lyrics, "Shorty put it in." My first problem is with the song itself. Shorty put it in? Why don't you put it in you lazy ass SOB! Then there's the problem of the guy singing out loud for everyone to hear. Dude, don't mistake our $2.25 subway fare for admission to your concert. You're not going to get discovered while annoying people on their A.M. commute so just give it a rest Kanye!
This being mass transit in New York City, it's not the first time something like this has happened but it never seems to piss me off any less. I just don't get whether these people are oblivious to the fact that they're being rude or whether they actually get off on knowing they're irritating everyone around them. I'm guessing the latter.
I wonder, in such an instance as this morning, if you could plead temporary insanity for stapling someone's mouth shut...
Friday, December 4, 2009
Tiger Should be Spayed!
Oh Tiger, couldn't keep your paws to yourself could you...
So, I was in the subway this morning, trying to read a fellow rider's paper over their shoulder, as per usual, when I saw the headline, "Celebrities Cheat Because They Can." Wonder how many brain neurons it took the writer to come up with that psychosis! Umm, hello, anyone can cheat and they don't need to be famous to do it!
Celebrities cheat because they have some false sense of entitlement--like the world owes them something for being in the public eye so they just go about doing whatever the fuck they want, thinking that there should be no repurcussions. But, the truth is, when a person cheats on their spouse, there will be people who think this person is supreme scum. The same goes for celebrities only that there will be probably be more people that are of the scum opinion because everybody in the Intercontinental U.S. knows about the indiscretion (or indiscretions as the case may be and usually is).
So now Tiger is saying that this is a private matter between him and his family but, seriously, you're famous and you should know that when you become famous, you need to check your privacy at the door! Or, here's a thought, don't do something stupid like cheat on your wife! There's a reason why the lyrics to Single Ladies says "if you liked it then you should have put on a ring on it." It's singular, meaning one! You can only have one or else the line would be, "if you liked them then you should have put a ring on them."
And to the "other woman" or "other man"--nobody likes a homewrecker so stop the whoring around!
So, I was in the subway this morning, trying to read a fellow rider's paper over their shoulder, as per usual, when I saw the headline, "Celebrities Cheat Because They Can." Wonder how many brain neurons it took the writer to come up with that psychosis! Umm, hello, anyone can cheat and they don't need to be famous to do it!
Celebrities cheat because they have some false sense of entitlement--like the world owes them something for being in the public eye so they just go about doing whatever the fuck they want, thinking that there should be no repurcussions. But, the truth is, when a person cheats on their spouse, there will be people who think this person is supreme scum. The same goes for celebrities only that there will be probably be more people that are of the scum opinion because everybody in the Intercontinental U.S. knows about the indiscretion (or indiscretions as the case may be and usually is).
So now Tiger is saying that this is a private matter between him and his family but, seriously, you're famous and you should know that when you become famous, you need to check your privacy at the door! Or, here's a thought, don't do something stupid like cheat on your wife! There's a reason why the lyrics to Single Ladies says "if you liked it then you should have put on a ring on it." It's singular, meaning one! You can only have one or else the line would be, "if you liked them then you should have put a ring on them."
And to the "other woman" or "other man"--nobody likes a homewrecker so stop the whoring around!
Friday, August 14, 2009
G.I. WHOA MAMA!!!!
I just discovered this video of Hottie McHottie Channing Tatum dancing at a male revue for Chippendale's and all I gotta say is hummina hummina!
I knew the boy could dance but, damn, he is really steppin it up here, isn't he? MmM mMm break me off a piece of that! He can be the star of my liquid dream any day...
Ok, I'd really like to write more but I'm salivating all over my desk. Sweet dreams ladies!
I knew the boy could dance but, damn, he is really steppin it up here, isn't he? MmM mMm break me off a piece of that! He can be the star of my liquid dream any day...
Ok, I'd really like to write more but I'm salivating all over my desk. Sweet dreams ladies!
Monday, July 27, 2009
The Ugly Truth
I saw the movie "The Ugly Truth" yesterday and it got me thinking about the ugly truths I've learned about life, love and the battle of the sexes...
Ugly Truth #1 -- Women really are crazy! We can be petty, vicious, manipulative, and just plain scary sometimes. All women are at least acutely aware of the power we hold over men and yes, we do use it to get what we want. We stalk guys, we are famously known for our attacks against other females and we hold grudges like no other. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...thou hast no ideath!
Ugly Truth #2 -- Guys like the crazy no matter what they say! The crazier a girl is, the more of a hold she has over him. Whether this is some kind of masochistic-induced fetish, I'm not sure but, I bet the book, Why Men Love Bitches, could shed some light.
Ugly Truth #3 -- If a woman has not had sex for a long period of time, it's her own fault! Women can get laid, plain and simple! Guys are like un-neutered dogs--they will hump just about anything. If you're a woman and you're in a "drought" it's because you are too picky...in which case, kudos to you but it's your own damn fault!
Ugly Truth #4 -- Your college education is only buying you a better paid form of slavery! Like the age-old saying goes, they don't call it a job for nothing! You may be able to continue your social life with reckless abandon for a little while but, eventually, all fires burn out. Welcome to the real world!
Ugly Truth #5 -- Text messages have all but killed any chance of a story-book romance! Ever get the 2am, "What r u up to?" text? That's not love honey, that's a booty call! Where are the love letters? Where are the grand gestures and declarations of love. They've been replaced by messages we type into our phone, messages we are too lazy to even write in full. They've been replaced by "wanna meet up l8r?," "how u doin?" and the occasional "ilu" texts. Damn technology!
Ugly Truth #6 -- Men really do get better looking with age while women get worse looking! Wrinkles on a man mean experience, charm, and wisdom...wrinkles on a woman mean the old bag's been around the block and has got some severe wear and tear. It's a cruel world we live in!
Ugly Truth #7 -- When you reach a certain age, you really can't eat and drink whatever you want without gaining weight! Does the term "beer belly" mean anything to you? You know, it's that ginormous winter coat of fat keeping your abs warm...and hibernating all year round! Note of advice: Don't begin a love affair with food (and alcohol) unless you're prepared to endure a lifetime of relationship therapy with the gym!
Ugly Truth #8 -- All is fair in love and war! You've heard it many times...I'm saying it's 110% true! In war, we do what is necessary to survive. Well, love is a battlefield so man your station and prepare for bloodshed. It's about to get ugly...
Ugly Truth #1 -- Women really are crazy! We can be petty, vicious, manipulative, and just plain scary sometimes. All women are at least acutely aware of the power we hold over men and yes, we do use it to get what we want. We stalk guys, we are famously known for our attacks against other females and we hold grudges like no other. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...thou hast no ideath!
Ugly Truth #2 -- Guys like the crazy no matter what they say! The crazier a girl is, the more of a hold she has over him. Whether this is some kind of masochistic-induced fetish, I'm not sure but, I bet the book, Why Men Love Bitches, could shed some light.
Ugly Truth #3 -- If a woman has not had sex for a long period of time, it's her own fault! Women can get laid, plain and simple! Guys are like un-neutered dogs--they will hump just about anything. If you're a woman and you're in a "drought" it's because you are too picky...in which case, kudos to you but it's your own damn fault!
Ugly Truth #4 -- Your college education is only buying you a better paid form of slavery! Like the age-old saying goes, they don't call it a job for nothing! You may be able to continue your social life with reckless abandon for a little while but, eventually, all fires burn out. Welcome to the real world!
Ugly Truth #5 -- Text messages have all but killed any chance of a story-book romance! Ever get the 2am, "What r u up to?" text? That's not love honey, that's a booty call! Where are the love letters? Where are the grand gestures and declarations of love. They've been replaced by messages we type into our phone, messages we are too lazy to even write in full. They've been replaced by "wanna meet up l8r?," "how u doin?" and the occasional "ilu" texts. Damn technology!
Ugly Truth #6 -- Men really do get better looking with age while women get worse looking! Wrinkles on a man mean experience, charm, and wisdom...wrinkles on a woman mean the old bag's been around the block and has got some severe wear and tear. It's a cruel world we live in!
Ugly Truth #7 -- When you reach a certain age, you really can't eat and drink whatever you want without gaining weight! Does the term "beer belly" mean anything to you? You know, it's that ginormous winter coat of fat keeping your abs warm...and hibernating all year round! Note of advice: Don't begin a love affair with food (and alcohol) unless you're prepared to endure a lifetime of relationship therapy with the gym!
Ugly Truth #8 -- All is fair in love and war! You've heard it many times...I'm saying it's 110% true! In war, we do what is necessary to survive. Well, love is a battlefield so man your station and prepare for bloodshed. It's about to get ugly...
Friday, July 17, 2009
It may only be Monday but I've got some WTF in me!
Well, it's been about a month since my last post so I guess I should apologize for the hiatus but between my birthday, the beginning of summer, and my trip to Barcelona, I was feeling overwhelmed by happy thoughts and lacking inspiration, particularly in the WTF department. But, in the famous words of psycho Chucky doll, "I'm baaack!" Let the WTF's commence...
1. 72-year old woman trying to get pregnant -- WTF! She keeps trying and she keeps failing. Reason--she's a wrinkly old hag! There's a reason you're not producing any eggs lady!!! You should have thought about having babies when you were young enough to still chase after them without a walker! Why don't you just go ask Octo-Mom if you can borrow some of her kids until you kick the bucket which, by my watch, should be any day now.
2. Same named couple to wed -- WTF! Girl (Kelly Hildebrandt) finds boy (Kelly Hildebrandt) on Facebook. Girl and boy start talking/dating. Girl and boy get engaged. Sounds like an ill-plotted love story for dumb people if you ask me! First of all, I have very strong issues about Facebook as a dating source (read my Valentine's Day "Unlove Story" for details). Second, what girl in their right mind would marry a guy named Kelly?! Girl with guy's name = cute...guy with girl's name = lame and seriously immasculating! I give this marriage 6 months before Kelly (girl) gets bored and seeks out another Kelly Hildebrandt on Facebook. I can see the headline now: Kelly Hildenbrant (girl) divorces Kelly Hildenbrandt (boy) for lesbian lover Kelly Hildenbrandt (girl--sort of).
3. Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson again -- WTF! My WTF is not to the actual fact that they broke up because, let's face it, there's only so much chickeny tuna a dude can put up with. Rather, it's his plan of action in the matter that merits this WTF. He did it right before her birthday--c'mon Tony, it's been done! At least have the decency to come up with an original d-bag way to dump the broad. You could have had a sky-writer write the words, "Yo bitch, we're done!" or put a message up on the jumbotron at the Dallas Cowboys opening game saying, "It's been fun but I need to get my game back or I'll get fired!" You could even have sent her a break-up card from my wonderful collection of greeting cards, "Hate Cards by Liz!" (and yes, these cards do exist). For shame Tony Romo!
4. Working on Mondays -- WTF! What could be worse? How about having to get to work at 8am on a Monday!!! Seriously, who came up with this 5 day work week? The weekday to weekend ratio is completely screwed up! Should anybody wish to support my bid for President of the United States, I would abolish this blasphemous rule and impose a 3 day weekend every week effective immediately upon my inauguration!
1. 72-year old woman trying to get pregnant -- WTF! She keeps trying and she keeps failing. Reason--she's a wrinkly old hag! There's a reason you're not producing any eggs lady!!! You should have thought about having babies when you were young enough to still chase after them without a walker! Why don't you just go ask Octo-Mom if you can borrow some of her kids until you kick the bucket which, by my watch, should be any day now.
2. Same named couple to wed -- WTF! Girl (Kelly Hildebrandt) finds boy (Kelly Hildebrandt) on Facebook. Girl and boy start talking/dating. Girl and boy get engaged. Sounds like an ill-plotted love story for dumb people if you ask me! First of all, I have very strong issues about Facebook as a dating source (read my Valentine's Day "Unlove Story" for details). Second, what girl in their right mind would marry a guy named Kelly?! Girl with guy's name = cute...guy with girl's name = lame and seriously immasculating! I give this marriage 6 months before Kelly (girl) gets bored and seeks out another Kelly Hildebrandt on Facebook. I can see the headline now: Kelly Hildenbrant (girl) divorces Kelly Hildenbrandt (boy) for lesbian lover Kelly Hildenbrandt (girl--sort of).
3. Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson again -- WTF! My WTF is not to the actual fact that they broke up because, let's face it, there's only so much chickeny tuna a dude can put up with. Rather, it's his plan of action in the matter that merits this WTF. He did it right before her birthday--c'mon Tony, it's been done! At least have the decency to come up with an original d-bag way to dump the broad. You could have had a sky-writer write the words, "Yo bitch, we're done!" or put a message up on the jumbotron at the Dallas Cowboys opening game saying, "It's been fun but I need to get my game back or I'll get fired!" You could even have sent her a break-up card from my wonderful collection of greeting cards, "Hate Cards by Liz!" (and yes, these cards do exist). For shame Tony Romo!
4. Working on Mondays -- WTF! What could be worse? How about having to get to work at 8am on a Monday!!! Seriously, who came up with this 5 day work week? The weekday to weekend ratio is completely screwed up! Should anybody wish to support my bid for President of the United States, I would abolish this blasphemous rule and impose a 3 day weekend every week effective immediately upon my inauguration!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Get Your Castanets Ready...
The week after one's birthday is supposed to be a recovery period, a time to sleep and detox. But, as fate would have it, the week after my birthday has always brought a celebration of such epic proportions that it consumes a whole weekend and an entire city in good ole Dirty Jerz--alas, it is the Portuguese Feast in Newark! And though one of our most famed people, Christiano Ronaldo, was recently spotted "canoodling" with Paris Hilton, confirming the fact that there really is no accounting for taste, it is still a damn good time to be Portuguese!
Here's what you can expect this weekend (100% based on things that have actually happened in the past):
Now, doesn't that sound like the best damn time EVER! I thought so!! So, whether you're actually Portuguese or just pretending to be (which is completely understandable cause we're so awesome), come to Newark this weekend, enjoy a bucket--or 5--and party it up hardcore. Remember--what happens at the Portuguese feast STAYS at the Portuguese feast!
Viva Portugal! Boa noite e boa sorte!
Here's what you can expect this weekend (100% based on things that have actually happened in the past):
- Girls dancing on tables
- Crazy drunk men dancing on tables
- People drinking off the tables
- Impossibly large buckets of sangria for personal consumption (available in red, white, and now, blue)
- Men inappropriately touching women, much to their dissatisfaction
- Women inappropriately touching men, much to their complete satisfaction
- People suffocating in other people's hair as they walk down the ridiculously crowded Ferry Street
- Scandalous run-ins with the EX
- Some of the best damn bbq chicken you will ever get your hands and mouth on
- An array of mediocre Portuguese bands (trust me, you'll be too drunk to realize the mediocrity)
- Random fights and the occasional stabbing (I swear it's safe though!)
- Running from the cops with aforementioned sangria buckets trying to suck out every last drop before being kicked off the premises
- Your friend leaving you to walk home with a random gay stranger who looks like Sanjaya from American Idol who ends up sleeping at your house and scaring the be-jesus out of your parents in the morning!
Viva Portugal! Boa noite e boa sorte!
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